I've lived my entire life under the assumption that I'm the problem.

I grew up in a narcissistic family system. Being abandoned (discarded) by each of my parents at different points in my childhood, until they came back because they thought they had something to gain from it. This left me with an underlying feeling of "something is wrong with me" and "I'm not good enough." And I chose friends and significant others accordingly. When they inevitably hurt me and abandoned me, it was always my fault, and I always found some way to self-blame, in line with my lifelong patterns of self-blame that I didn't start to recognize until earlier this year at 38 years old.

I've tried my ass off to be more, to fit in, to do whatever would make those people accept me. Which about 80% of the time, was shrinking myself, abandoning myself, neglecting myself, and accepting a whole lot of abuse from everyone who claimed to love me. I was belittled and ignored. Always on someone else's time, attending to someone else's plans or agenda. A real solid codependent.

I'm reminded again recently, that it isn't me. I mean, my codependency is an issue and I've been working on it diligently and think I am doing much better in that realm. Just like I've been working on myself in numerous areas my entire life, especially the last 12 years. And I have maintained happiness and resilience against some monumental obstacles.

I feel like nobody in my entire life has ever genuinely loved me. I feel wholly unlovable. And my desperation for love has led me to accepting whatever came along and whatever abuse they would inflict upon me. Do not perpetuate this. Do not carry this as I have, as it is not true. Let it go. Let them go. Embrace yourself, your true self. The person you know you truly are, deep down, past all of the hurt, the scars, the pain, and the mask.

It isn't you. If belonging requires shrinking, and/or if you feel like you don't belong anywhere, then stop trying to belong there and for the love of Bob, stop shrinking yourself. You deserve better. FOR yourself and FROM yourself. You are not the problem.