Not sure if this is active or passive SI?

I was looking up bridges the other night and now I want to go to the bridge near me. Even though I dont want to be alive, I know I wouldn't go through with jumping, even if I wished I could? So it's like I have the thoughts and the means and the want to go through with it, but I know I won't.

I know it doesnt change how I'm feeling and the terms are just terms, but I guess I'm just trying to understand myself. Like, why would I go there if I know I won't go through with it (even if I want to)?

Thanks xx