No one cares unless it benefits them;

You,

It’s getting bad again. I know no one cares so I keep it to myself. I cry a lot. I feel unlovable. I tell myself I’m healed but I’m far from it. I keep pulling back layers to find more trauma. Feels like my life is over and there is nothing more for me to have. I’m so starved for attention and affection but refuse to let anyone new try because I know it won’t last and they will leave me worse than where I was. I don’t want to heal from another failed connection. Hell, I don’t even have one real friend anymore. I’m truly alone and if I up and died tomorrow, no one would even come to my funeral. I’ve isolated myself for so long, I don’t relate to anyone anymore and I question if there was ever a time I did. I front all of my social media posts when really I just want to quit. I want to just be at rest and die but I am afraid to die and it’s a vicious cycle. If I had no fear of the afterlife I would kill myself right now. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of gaslighting myself to be happy when I’m miserable.

I don’t know what to do anymore because I genuinely feel nothing for anyone at this point. I used to long for you but you are a much young man, who didn’t even want my friendship. He kept me at a distance and I was insane to think that just because we slept together a couple of times meant he cared anything about me at all. It’s been over a year and a half now without contact from him and I know I’ll never hear from him again. I used to believe he’d be back but after his last relationship, I saw he never made an effort with me. Hell, he never even asked to see me ever. I spent years longing for something that I’d never have. Honestly, now I feel like a bitter old ugly hag of a woman. I’ve nothing to live for except my children but in a couple of years they will grow up and leave the house and probably never call or visit me again. I’ve bent over backwards to prove my love for them and it never feels like enough because I don’t have enough. I also don’t know how to have a close loving relationship with even them.

I walk around angry all the time and it honestly feels worse than the sadness. I’ve built walls up so high, nobody can get over them. No one even cares enough to try. I’m the woman standing against the wall, watching everyone else go on to improve their lives and find friendships and a person that loves them. Love for me has only ever been duty. I’ve never been anyone’s first choice and in a couple of months I’ll be 40 so I’ve realistically given up that I’ll ever have that.

I did feel so intense about you and it hurt that you just left and rarely looked back. You’d feed me breadcrumbs and I was so starved for love and human connection I convinced myself that was enough. But it wasn’t. I had cried endless tears over you and I honestly wish I never even met you. It was stupid and careless to sleep with someone I just knew online and the way you ditched me every single time I gave it up to you made me feel worthless. Then you told me I was low value to turn around and value a woman who was already married. I question if you had something to do with the fact that they split, but I don’t know her or even you well enough to make that connection. You two aren’t even together anymore, unless you reconciled. Honestly, you probably moved onto someone else. You always did keep it moving. I just wish I could stop looking in my rearview at the ghost of someone I never even knew. It hurt more to drag it on in the online friendship department.

I don’t try with anyone anymore. I don’t even answer DMs. I stopped answering my phone too. Isolation kills but nobody cares enough about me to make the effort and it’s not like I know anyone well enough to ask for their time when that is the most valuable currency.

I just want this pain to end. It feels never ending.