It sucks just a little bit more on my birthday

It’s been 5 weeks since the break up. I’ve had good days and bad days but I’ve been seeing him every day in my dreams for the past week. The dreams keep him on my mind daily. It really sucks.

Today is my birthday. And although I was surrounded by friends, I feel the heavy weight settle now that they left, all alone with my thoughts.

I told him I don’t want to be friends and to not take a step towards me because it gives me hope. I asked for it, yet some part of me hoped for a “happy birthday” message. He did the right thing by not messaging me.

I love him so much it really hurts. I’m angry, then sad, then happy, then sad again. We are attending the same event in a couple days. I do and don’t want to see him at the same time. I want and don’t want him to see me sad. I want and don’t want to seem like I’m completely happy.

I feel so childish and stupid. Whoever is reading this, I hope your heart heals too.