archived note on my phone 002

[reposting from my post in another subreddit]

27 February, 2023 at 03:38

in the year its been since those things happened, everything has been both glorious and disastrous i have found that every decision ive made, every person ive met, every day i have lived, has been a double edged sword. there is no grey area. nothing is purely black or white either. there is no distinction between the two.

in my increasingly desperate search to gain complete control i have slipped farther and farther away from my initial objective. i may have achieved some of my more selfish goals, but in exchange i have lost all control and only disaster follows.

unfortunately, even the most positive potential outcome is entirely destructive. i dont know what all of this was for. i exchanged everything that was once positive for nothing but pure negatives. in losing the things id previously deemed “negative” im now left with empty positives.

everything is short lived and meaningless and i have surrendered and i no longer want control. i want to take my feet off the gas and allow myself to crash because its the only way everything will stop.

how do i undo the myriad of wrongs i have committed in the past year? and how do i atone for my sins without publicly announcing how truly low of a person i am?

i don’t even say this in a self degrading way, i truly do not recognise myself anymore. sometimes thats a good thing, and to a certain degree i honestly like the way things are. i weirdly enjoy the lack of control and the ability to do whatever i want and say whatever i want while disregarding any potential consequences for myself or others, but it wont last.

none of this will last.

everything will catch up to me in the end and i cannot excuse myself. everything has been a result of the choices i made in response to bad things that have happened to me, yet none of this alleviates any of the damage i received.

if anything really, it cancels out my pain. i have become the horror i was desperate to escape and conquer. i am no better than anyone else. i have accomplished nothing. an eye for an eye.

i’ve unintentionally set up a domino chain, each brick representing years worth of the worst choices a person could possibly make, and i just want it to end. i want to place my final domino, ushering forth the final push to make them all fall down. i want to suffer my cruel but just consequences, buried under the weight of each metaphorical domino, and live the rest of my life sentenced to rot in the prison of bullshit and lies and manipulation and self destruction ive built for myself.

i want to watch everyone move on from me and find peace without the burden of my presence.

but alas, i will never confess my sins, i will continue burying them deeper and deeper by being more and more sneaky and deliberate. digging my own grave until i can no longer dig.

or until finally the hiding and lying and manipulation will explode in my face, hopefully destroying me completely once and for all.