44 [M4F] The Updated Complete Idiot's Guide to Common OA Dialogue!

Greetings furtive netizens of the dark hole of reddit. As an armchair expert of vernacular philology, I consider it my solemn duty to help crack the code, if you will, of some common OA phrases...to tease out various subtexts and reveal the plain meaning beneath. Being an idiot myself of uncommon renown, behold Chapter 1 of my guide to some common statements you may encounter while scrolling this dank hive of humanity.

"I want all the feels."

TRANSLATION: I will gush over you enthusiastically for 36 hours, at which point the novelty will subside, I will ghost you, and repost seeking "new feels." Consider yourself forewarned.

"I want a pocket boyfriend."

TRANSLATION: You'll hear from me briefly at lunch and on my commute home, when it's convenient for me to whip you out of my pocket. Measure expectations accordingly.

"I can't believe I'm here again."

TRANSLATION: I can absolutely believe I'm here again, because I have nothing clever left to say. Hence beginning my umpteenth posting with the line "I can't believe I'm here again." Where originality fails, repetitiveness succeeds?

"Soft with some serious squish. If you can't handle that, that's a you problem."

TRANSLATION: I have severe insecurity about my obesity, and will try a little emotional alchemy to turn my shortcoming into your shallowness. Et voila.

"I just want to feel valued again."

TRANSLATION: Let's bash our spouses.

"You're happy, but unfulfilled."

TRANSLATION: Let's not bash our spouses.

"Your pic gets mine."

TRANSLATION: I am aware I'm one of the precious few on here who's not a total troll, and I just want to hook up with a midlife gym bro cause I can.

"Looking for real companionship, not just sexting."

TRANSLATION: Pretend to talk to me about books for 45 minutes before asking me about my kinks.

"I like dad bods."

TRANSLATION: I don't like dad bods, but that is probably the best I can do.

"I'm heartbroken after losing my last OP."

TRANSLATION: I managed to text the same guy for 4 days before he vanished.

Anyhow, just teasing. Say hi if you're bored. No ghosters, no mom bods. Just kidding, mom bods are probably the best I can do.