I relapsed after almost 4 years

It started two months ago, for the past four years I have had a relatively stable emotional state. That all changed when I had two fights back to back with my boyfriend. The fights were normal in the sense of they are expected of people who are getting to know each other even more. But it did leaving me feeling emotional bruised and heavy. After that I found out I got herpes from my boyfriend. Yes I knew he had it from the beginning of our relationship and it was something I had already kind of recognized that I might get when we started dating.

When I found out I felt so out of my depth. I felt like a door had shut in-front of me. It almost came natural when I picked my blade and cut myself. I immediately felt in control. The panic vanished. I felt present. The next instant was when I had a fight with my friends. I got triggered during that fight. A lot of memories and echoes of despair I’ve lived with and buried deep with in floated to the surface. I was shutter. I was cry one second, feel lost, feeling betrayed, feeling disgusted of myself, feeling ashamed of myself and feeling so much, then I wasn’t feeling anything. Cutting myself gave me relief, I could breathe. I felt grounded. I’ve done it once after that a couple of weeks ago. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t had the best experiences with therapists. I can’t even get one any time soon cause I’m not in the financial position to do so. I don’t know how to speak about this to other people. I just don’t know what to do in general. I can’t burry things down anymore. I can feel it. I might spiral and fall into depression again. I’m scared of feeling like that again.