what could have been and grief

there have been so so so many people, loved ones, in my life who i’ve had to completely cut off the past two years, all because i developed an ounce of self respect.

all of my life i never doorslamed anyone. i knew it was an infj thing but couldn’t relate. not because i never felt hurt, but because i wasn’t awake to the abuse around me.

but in the past few years i’ve essentially “woken up” to the ways that people around me have sucked me dry, used and tormented me, things i refused to see about them before. i always blamed myself for it all.

but i never left without giving each and every one of them a choice: take accountability for their harmful actions and change them, or lose me. almost every single one chose the latter.

both parents now, my best friend, an ex, and even a sibling are gone because they could not tolerate a simple boundary. things like “don’t touch me without my consent” or “please speak to me with respect, even when you’re mad.” they all chose denial or pride over these simple requests.

i have begged many of them to see what they have done, cried to them for hours trying to help them take accountability, to pick me instead. given so so many chances. but it never changes.

and though it didn’t, i still love and miss each and every one of them. i think deep down i was probably never blind to who they were, and my love for them was never the result of manipulation or gaslighting. i genuinely saw what they were and still loved it. many weren’t even harmful on purpose, just terrified of being truly seen and held accountable. the potential in that made it harder to leave.

despite the abuse, despite their blindness to their actions, despite their penchant for using or hurting others abd myself, i still think of them constantly. i can’t stop. because even once i developed self respect and demanded they be better, i would have stayed by their side if they had just made one TINY statement that gave me hope they’d try to change.

but so many, almost all of them, decided to lose me rather than face simple faults. or admit they cared. or show any kind of vulnerability. even though i showed everything.

i know it’s not personal. but it doesn’t erase the pain of what could have been and the lack of control i always had over it. and now i have nothing and no one and they’re all still out there alone as well and i know that begging them to just listen one more time won’t do anything. but i’m like. what now??

this is what i’m used to, what i’ve learned to love, and more than half of my loved ones are gone.