17F I feel hopeless and sad.

I wish I could post screenshots here, but ive posted on a different subreddit yesterday, screenshots of one of his rants on me. I cant stop thinking about all the things hes said to and about me. I wonder if he wants me dead sometimes. I actually had a breakdown during 1st period today just thinking about it.

My dad refuses therapy and treats me like shit. He calls me abusive, hateful, narcissistic, manipulative, the whole lot. I dont know what to believe. Every expression, every reply, every pitiful response I get from other people about my situation feels FAKE. the insults ring through my head all day everyday. a part of me knows their fake, but an even bigger part of me thinks their true. It makes me feel so undeserving of love and pity. But I crave it so badly.

I have daddy issues. My dad has never felt like a dad to me. I never had so much of a father figure that I should've gotten. and it's seeping into my 'love' life. I put quotations because im in high school so I know nothing is really serious but I feel terrible knowing how im hurting the guys I speak to.

I feel like alot of the guys im with I do it for selfish purposes. I engage so I can feel seen, loved, wanted. Not usually because im really interested in them. But the second they leave I feel so much guilt. Because I know what im doing. I tell myself to stop, but I dont. I crave that feeling of being *wanted* so badly.

But all I wanted is for my dad to actually seem likes hes ever wanted me in his life. When I bring that up he just scoffs, pushes away, and bitches back at me. saying things like "thats ridiculous, thats such a horrible thing to say to someone" which then snowballs into "your so abusive towards me" and a bunch of sexist comments.

Im so tired of living with him. Im so tired of hearing those insults all the time. All I want is to finally feel clean from them. I feel dirty, gross, and used, and that attention seeking wont fix that, but I still do it.