not okay...

My parents are enjoying their vacation overseas, my brother is going to see a musical, peers are working hard on their internship applications or extracurriculars, but all I can do is cry about how much it hurts. I hate myself and my life, this awful disease, the depression and self-criticism that weighs down on me so heavily.

I feel so guilty and sorry for my therapist and dietitian, because I am not working towards "full recovery". It is a coping mechanism I do not think I can live completely without (this is not to discount those who are in recovery or have recovered). I feel like I do not deserve to seek help, even if it means harm reduction or trying to improve my quality of life despite this illness. I feel so bad about myself for not doing better.

My head hurts from crying, and I just want to go to sleep and forget about all the assignments, appointments, responsibilities, anxieties. Please, no tough love. I am doing all I can to get through each day. It means the eating disorder might be around, but at least I am alive and half-functioning. I wish someone could praise me for getting this far, for being here. It is so hard to stay.