This is going to be a little all over the place and a little long but I really need someone’s advice - I (29F) recently just got out of a year long relationship with someone (27M) who I suspect is a narcissist. I’ve had history of dating narcs in the past and my dad is a narc so I thought I knew better. In the beginning it was so great, we spent almost everyday together, we were inseparable, he couldn’t imagine why my exes treated me the way they did. I can’t really remember anything big we fought about in the beginning because we were both doing everything together. Then he went to rehab and got sober and I continued to drink when he got back and it became more and more of a problem to him until he told me I couldn’t drink at all. He didn’t want me hanging out with my friends because they were bad influences and caused me to drink (I have a tendency to take things too far and stay out all night while he was waiting at home) I figured he was looking out for me but I continued to go out with my friends anyway. He constantly accused me of cheating or doing things behind his back, he’d fight me with me the entire time I was out, he’d belittle me, insult me and if I didn’t come home at the time I said he’d give me the silent treatment. He also knew I had abandonment issues and would constantly leave while I cried and chased after him. He was practically living with me at the time and would go stay at his parents while I blew him up. He lived with me rent free and would barely clean. He couldn’t do the little things I asked him to do while he sat around and looked for a job while I was at work. We were planning on getting a place together once he got a job and a few weeks before I was supposed to move out I went out and stayed out too long once again and he decided he wasn’t going to move in with me at all. This is what caused the fast decline. We eventually broke up and went almost a month with no contact and the only reason he reached out after that was because he’d heard I’d slept with one of his friends (not true) and wanted to text me to tell me he knew and how disgusted and hurt he was. We eventually talked through it and started hanging out again and it was just like old times. Then he started being hot and cold. One week he’d be all about me the next he’d be too busy with work to text me back. I got to the point where I was keeping him at arms length and we went to see a movie and he wanted to come over and I told him no because sleeping with him would bring back all my feelings and I couldn’t trust he’d go cold the next week. He blew up on me accusing me of being with someone else and I told him it was pathetic because he’s pitching a fight because I knew he only wanted sex and he ended up booking a flight to Miami the next week in retaliation. I found out I was pregnant a day before he left and he told me “if I would’ve known I wouldn’t have booked it” even though it was a one way and it was $50. I told him I was purchasing abortion pills that were $150 and to send it to me. He sent me $75 because he didn’t believe it was his even though he came in me after I told him not to. I freaked out on him and told him to leave me alone (my hormones were all over the place) and he took it literally and didn’t ask me once how I was during the abortion that I did at home, alone and it was the worst pain I’d ever been in. I begged him to come home because I needed him and he told me he couldn’t because he was miserable living with his parents and he enjoyed being in Miami. I didn’t know how to forgive him after that but I saw him when he came back for doctors appointments. He was normal when I saw him initially but he COMPLETELY changed. He was so cold, short tempered, didn’t tolerate any “attitude” from me. I was obviously upset I didn’t feel like he was there for me and all he could say was “maybe not physically” or “you told me to leave you alone” and then told me I was being dramatic about it all. Then we got into a fight and he left me once again after ripping into me about how my behavior caused part of his heart to be “ripped out” and wasn’t sure if he’d ever get that back for me and told me if I spoke to him sideways he’d “destroy me” because he was done putting up with it. On top of that the night before he rolled over and went to sleep while I was crying. I didn’t understand how someone could be so cruel. This person used to be my best friend. He told me he wanted to marry me. That he’d never felt like this before.. then the last time I spoke to him I didn’t tell him I was getting drinks with a friend and he blew me up and showed up at my house to prove I wasn’t there then told me he was done and that he thinks about Latina women every time he’s had sex with me. Ive attached the last text he sent. Was I blind? Did this person ever really love me? I’m noticing all the times he was never truly there for me, didn’t respect my things, used my relationships with my parents against me (one thing that bothers me the most), punished me with silence. I feel crazy. I blame myself. Was it my fault because I couldn’t fix my behavior? I’m so lost. This man has completely depleted me of who I once was. 

Rose colored glasses off after discard