Will I seem racist, if I only allow black men to have my girlfriend?

Ive been having issues with letting go of control of the situation. I thought I was making progress, but I always end up going back to my preference in black guys. Thankfully my fiance has been the best partner. Im so obsessed with her and love how much she enjoys being free to talk to whoever she likes.

Unfortunately for me, her type is tall white guys, and it has exposed a level of anxiety i never knew I had. I tried for months and months to get my head in the right space so I could let her hook up with someone she wanted to. We have been close a couple times with people she feels comfortable with, but I feel so very uncomfortable and it makes me sad and so anxious. All my life i would tell people I didnt have anxiety, but trying to find a nice white guy for my girlfriend to enjoy, proved that was so wrong. Eventually I know i can get in the head space for it. I know I can. But that comes after I've been put in my place as below her, below her lovers.. and not as a superior or her dominant. We both love our sexual dynamic and she doesn't want to see me as less dominant or manly. So I have a hard time putting myself in a situation where I feel like they deserve her. Most white men dont deserve her, she has been with lots of guys before me, that didnt deserve her. Every white guy she introduces, brings horrible feelings, but any time she talks with a black guy I feel super excited and proud. A tiny bit of anxiety but nothing compared to white guys.

Genuinely I feel its way more than just sex. Its about control and surrender, i can never be a black man, I can never been seen as a black man. We can never role play that I am a black man.. I also can never take back any of the things the white race has done to black men. We should feel horrible about how black men and women have been treated in the world. For years we used them as objects and slaves, they tortured them for NOTHING. Finally after decades and decades they finally "free" the slaves just to leave them in a country that will treat them awful for the next 100+ years. The moral debt we all feel, should be extreme. We should feel guilty. We've deprived a whole race of a fair chance and how can we make it right? We cant.

I get a great sense of pride, excitement and humiliation, when i offer my girlfriend to a black man, or even better, when she offers herself to him. Proud, that my girlfriend is willing to give him what he wants. Excited, that I can provide him with an attractive, caring, sexy and willing girl. Humiliated, being exposed emotionally, and exposed socially when she tells her friends about her new black boy toy that isnt her white fiance.

Im open to criticism, dont be tooo mean but I understand this topic can be tough to talk about. My main thing i want to know, is if I seem racist?