I'm cheating in university and I don't know what to do.

I was sort of a gifted kid growing up, so I never really studied. I went through high school in the pandemic and I was in online school. I didn't pay attention at all during my lectures, and I would cheat as much as I could on tests in subjects I hated. I did and still do really well in subjects I like, like my electives in the arts. But my degree is STEM and I'm really struggling.

I have severe ADHD, I've tried several medications already and none of them have helped. I can't focus on things at all, I always need background stimulation like TV shows especially. My main problem is I have no motivation to start any tasks ever. It's even starting to get into things I enjoy. I put off and procrastinate on my electives work. I haven't done my creative hobbies in at least a year.

I also have severe anxiety and social issues, so when I try to do things people typically recommend to deal with my ADHD, I just usually end up breaking down. I hate being in study groups or tutoring because I feel so ashamed of how far behind I am. My standard response to stress and embarrassment is tears, so it just makes every attempt at getting help into an awkward, embarrassing crying fit.

I've been cheating in university for at least two years now. I feel terrible using AI due to the environmental impacts but I don't want to flunk out. My STEM courses are so demanding and it's just way easier to spend a day generating an assignment than ten days trying and failing to make something that works, on an assignment that takes most people half that time. Plus, when I attempt an assignment by myself and hit a wall, I spiral again and break down about my guilt and failure and cheating.

I'm worried I'm still going to fail even with the cheating. A lot of my classes have finals worth 50%, and in-person tests worth 20+%. Not to mention if my GPA slips low enough, I'll be kicked out of my cooperative education program, which means I'll not only have no knowledge of my field, but no work experience. All it takes is failing one class.

I'm trying to study but after twenty minutes of focusing, I get a physical pain in my head. It's so hard to start, let alone convince myself to continue working. Delayed gratification doesn't work, especially because my only self soother is food and my weight and food intake only makes me feel more stressed and upset. Pomodoro doesn't work because if I stop, I cannot start again.

Not to mention my program requires knowledge from previous year courses, so for the ones I cheated through, I'm starting with nothing which just makes me cheat again. I'm not learning and I feel awful about it. I don't even know if I dislike my courses because I just feel too stressed to even actually try the work. I might have really loved them if I had medication that worked or didn't have ADHD.

I want to drop out, or change programs, or go to a college instead, or do anything, but I'm several years and several thousands dollars of my parents' money deep. My degree is even a bit disconnected from my actual job field goal, but still related enough that I could do it. Or actually just switch to the degree that would be the most focused and abandon all my credits I already have. But I know in my STEM field, I could make good money, have multiple options for careers, actually be able to afford rent and food and maybe a house one day.

I feel trapped. I feel like my options are limited and there's nothing I can really do. Plus my mental health sucks, my attempts at counselling have done nothing for me, I'm exhausted all the time, and I do not have the money to just do whatever if I drop out. I don't know what I want from this either, maybe advice or just ranting.