When dating, people seem to look for what is scarce, not what is abundant

I have been married for almost 2 decades now and happily married. I used to suck at attraction games, but succeded in marriage. I came to realize that I showed what was abundant in me, not what is perceived as scarce.

People often value scarcity over abundance when choosing a partner.

Scarcity signals high status. If someone appears selective, busy, or socially desired, the brain interprets it as: “This person must be valuable if others want them.”

This is rooted in mate-choice copying, a well-studied phenomenon in human and animal behavior.

Scarcity increases perceived challenge. Romantic interest activates reward circuitry similar to variable-reward gambling: Difficult to obtain equals more dopamine. That’s why people often chase those who show just enough interest but not too much.

Abundance feels less special. When affection is given easily and frequently, we subconsciously think: “If I didn’t need to earn this, maybe it’s not worth much.” This is related to the effort justification effect, we value what we invest in.

Fear of missing out (FOMO). Scarce availability triggers urgency: “If I don’t act now, I’ll lose my chance.”. This creates emotional pressure and faster attraction.

I used to suck in that game of attraction, but succeeded in the game of marriage. I had abundant care for her. And she had abundant care for me. But strangely that is rare to find. Reliability, availability, effort, love.

Attraction seems to me like a game of mirrors. I was clear to me that finding someone for an affair was easier than finding my wife, she is the best decision I have made in my life. She is scarce like a diamond, and I do not exchange diamonds for mirrors.

Under the normal parameters of the game of attraction neither my wife or me qualify. But the more I knew her, the more I liked her. And the more I saw how scarce (compared to the rest of people) and valuable was the love she had to offer.

So it looks to me that it is not wrong to look for what is scarce, but the perceived scarcity does not equal the real scarcity. Love is more scarce than sex or beauty (as per societal standards). Diamonds look like coal in the outside and if you let mirrors to outshine you, you can get cut with a cheap mirror. She is my diamond a scarce diamond. But when I met her, she looked ordinary like coal.

I told her to unleash her tied hair, and her beutiful hair shined. And I encouraged her with love when she cooked and she discovered she loved cooking to the point she started to cook chef recipes. She was smart but as a kid she had no one to share her intelligence, and she discovered that she loved complex board games that would challenge her intellect. And I felt that her intelligence made her sexy. I always loved intelligent women.

So she seemed ordinary coal but she was a rare diamond.

What do you think about scarcity and dating?