I don’t know what to do anymore

I am a 20m and this year has been the worst year of my life, for some context I’ll just hit on most of the key points. at the start of the year my ex left me even tho I took a lot of the blame for the relationship downfall it still hurt me really bad we were together for almost three years and she was a big part of my life, I was simply not right and I had a lot of issues I needed to deal with and that’s exactly what I did from January all the way too the end of may I went to therapy journaled read self help books worked out did things I normally wouldn’t do like a combat sport and going to the park being present enjoying sunlight and stuff like that truly finding happiness and love with in myself.

But at the end of may she reached out to me and I won’t get to deep into it but she said a lot of stuff and we hung out for about a month until things basically crashed and burned and left me way worse off than I was at the beginning when she first left by the end of June I had pretty much thrown my life away just to be with her. I quit my job because I hated the people I worked with and I was honestly giving up and all I did from July to the end of August was drinking drugs and being completely miserable.

at the start of September I started a new job and got completely sober went back to what I was doing at the start of the year trying to get what I had lost and for a month and a half I tried to make things work and quickly fell off and couldn’t keep the depression away nothing that I was doing was working and I eventually started drinking again and isolating pushing family away and fighting with them and friends, I got a underage consumption ticket I got into an accident so I don’t have a car I live with my dad now not my mom anymore and i hardly ever talk to any of my family I couldn’t take my cat with me to my dads which sucks. I’m really spiraling I am trying to ignore everything I’m feeling inside but I am having a lot of thoughts about hurting myself and doing drugs and I don’t know what to do I feel stuck in an endless loop of emptiness of being forever condemned because of who I am and what my life is