How to not feel ashamed with my own diagnose after being abused myself? I feel disgusting.

Am I forever toxic and damaged and should never be with another human for their own peace? I also bring good feelings I’m super good at the empathy that comes from being able to read people because I tell myself everyone deserves to talk to me be around my I’m a healer now it’s just the opposite maybe idk? My inner hate and ugly sides come out online behind fake accounts where I can just go OFF with projection. It’s so gross and embarrassing.… I just have adapted such a strong inner critic and low self esteem that everything needs to be my way or the highway and I question and distrust everyone and project. Is there a reason I was more prone to npd and turning evil when younger and projecting and wanting attention become superior then everyone else spirituality because of my imagination and loneliness? It just confuses me how I could be a monster and so evil when I was abused by that. But I still love and care about others. I feel like ever since I got diagnosed with npd it’s destroyed my self esteem since I would never wanna be like my parent. But I think I’m more of psychopath and smart about it? The more aware type too? So even more dangerous? Idk I’d never hurt anyone on purpose but ik I have had violent angry outbursts and all the things I’ve done always felt like survival and not me.