I don't know what to do anymore

I'm a 21 year old male and i've had suicidial thoughts and depression since i was a little. I remember when i was around 8 years old, wanting to stab myselft to death, and also when i was 17 i was sitting by a cliff wanting to jump, I've also hit myself several times. I was never bullied got along quite well with people but I've always been a bit different and "weird". Nowadays I work in scaffolding and have met some nice people whom I like. But I have always hated myself and can't see myself happy or in love, so it makes it hard for me to see any progress and i always stay quiet if i don't understand something, I guess im scared of being judged but at the same time i don't care what people think of me. I've had 1 relationship that ended 4 years ago, I don't see myself ever getting with someone even tho my biggest dream is to start a family. Lately I've been thinking about killing myself since i feel worthless and that I can't reach my dream of being a father. I pretty much never talk to my friends, I only talk to them in a non serious manner cause i see myself as the "funny guy", and I don't feel like I am supposed to be treated as serious. Most days i just lay in bed watching House M.D until i fall asleep. I get home from work 16:00 and pretty much fall asleep at 20:00. My life is empty and it's the same tedious cycle everyday. I'm too scared to take my life but i think about it everyday, I often daydream about my funeral and how many or how little people appear. I feel angry all the time, I think about beating people up for no reason. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel numb and tired i just want to fall asleep and never wake up.