broke no contact, sent my final text

after a very very hot and heavy summer, i ended things in early october because he just wasn’t making the effort. i regretted it, honestly hoped he would chase me, he didn’t. he’s depressed and grieving and has a lot of different things he’s carrying.

we stayed friendly and chatty, one night we had a 2 hour phone call, it ended with him saying “I love you, I’ll call you tomorrow.”

i didn’t hear from him for a week. and i’ll be honest, i lost my mind and panicked and behaved out of insecurity & fear of abandonment :( i called 9 times, left 2 voicemails, texted 5 long paragraphs detailing my apology for ending things and saying thank you so much for everything, i love you, blah blah blah. then, a few days later, when those received no response - i showed up to his apartment.

it was comforting in that he said i wasn’t crazy or desperate or pathetic. but he was kind of wishy washy, i was laying everything out. we talked about work and his family, school. i pretty much repeated what i had texted, that i loved and missed him, i like my life better with him in it, etc etc. he said he felt overwhelmed and exhausted, all he wanted to do was go to work and go to bed. i began to get frustrated with the lack of straightforwardness - i would have rather he told me he doesn’t want me. getting ready to leave, i told him i felt like i was never going to see him again. he asked why i would say that. i didn’t really answer. when i left, he hugged me and said i love you.

i called and left a voicemail after i left, saying he deserved to be happy and some other stuff i don’t remember. the mixed signals are unbearable, but as much as i’d like to turn deaf to it, he said he needed space.

so after lots of researching etsy witches, writing manifestations, crying, journaling, drafting messages in my notes app, and talking about him nonstop to my friends, i broke no contact after 12 days last night.

i said, “i love you. i care about you. if you want to go through this alone, i’ll respect that and continue to give you your space. but if you want me by your side, i’m happy to give you whatever you need, even if it’s just sitting on the couch.”

now, exactly at this point, nothing is left unsaid. he hasn’t responded and while i still have big lofty hopes, i don’t know if he will.

i don’t care if it makes me overly available, i don’t care if i’ve made a fool of myself (well a little but yk). at least i fought for something i really really wanted. now i can walk away without a single regret.

in such a short time, this man has taught me so much about relationships and what i want and need. i’ve been forced to face my wounds and behaviors around intimacy, rejection (perceived or real), and my habit of running away. and if it doesn’t work out with him, at least im one step closer to finding my person :)