My insecurity about porn is destroying my relationship

So I’m 23F and my boyfriend is 35M. I recently found out he’s been watching porn when we’re literally together. Like when I’m next to him in bed and he asks me to touch him, he has his phone or laptop positioned where I can’t see it. Or when we’re intimate lying on our sides, we both have our phones in hand. I’m never watching anything, but apparently he was, because when we’d change positions he’d quickly hide his phone under the pillows. At the very beginning of our relationship we had several conversations where I told him what made me uncomfortable.

I talked to him about how I feel about sexualizing women on social media or in public, like pointing out people on the street and saying “oh she’s so sexy.” I also told him I wasn’t comfortable with having fantasies about other people or looking at content of specific women, whether they’re people we know, content creators, or celebrities. But I always asked him first what he thought, what he liked, if he watched porn, if he felt trapped by my views. I really tried to understand how he thought about these things because that intimate side is important to me. I didn’t want lies. I wanted a healthy relationship where we could be open and understand each other, where there was trust. I never tried to make him feel bad or act superior because I don’t watch porn. He told me he agreed with my perspective and that we were on the same page. So you can imagine how I felt finding out he was doing exactly what we discussed while I was literally touching him.

When I first confronted him about it, he denied it. Multiple times. Then he finally admitted it but said he told me no because he genuinely believed he could say he doesn’t watch it since he doesn’t do it as frequently as men typically do. Only twice a week apparently. He keeps telling me this is completely normal for men. That porn is like food, even when you know you shouldn’t eat something you fall into temptation anyway. He says he needs it because he gets nervous and feels like he has to perform in bed. But it’s not just when we’re together. He also masturbates alone watching videos. The thing is I never asked him to perform. I always thought sex was about connection between two people, something more intimate and almost fantasy like in how it brings two people together carnally. He gets content on his social media, especially Reddit, and claims it just pops up randomly, that he gets tagged or it’s spam. But I don’t get that kind of content on my feeds at all. I was already someone with low self esteem before this and discovering all of this has been really difficult for me.

Remembering all the times he needed porn to perform and to be with me is painful. I keep wondering why I can’t turn him on the same way some random girl in a photo can. Why does he need to watch other women to get excited? I get chills thinking about whether he watched porn before being intimate with me. After several difficult conversations he had been telling me we can’t be together because I don’t understand this is just part of being a man. So I thought to myself okay, I can’t keep causing him pain, I can’t offer him a relationship where it doesn’t hurt me that he masturbates or watches other women. So I decided I would leave after my exams. His promise to stop watching women only came after I told him I was leaving. Only then did he say he could stop doing it. He also mentioned going to a psychologist to work on my self esteem issues and the porn stuff, which I agree with. Perhaps my way of seeing love and sex is naive or immature, I don’t know. I just want to be everything for someone, to be the one who can make him feel what a simple photo of an attractive girl in revealing clothes does, or a video of a girl being suggestive. I wish this didn’t hurt me so much.

I’m trying to grow and accept this as just part of life, part of how people are. But if I can’t accept this I’ll probably have to be alone forever. He once told me that what happened here won’t just happen here, it’ll happen in all your relationships, so he might be right. What I’m asking for seems illogical and doesn’t make sense in today’s world. Let me clarify, I’m not saying I can’t comprehend finding someone attractive, whether they’re famous or someone we know. But the idea of getting aroused by them, being sexually stimulated by them, or going around telling your friends how much you love something about someone behind your partner’s back, that’s what really bothers me. If that’s just how relationships work then I’d rather not be with anyone. I don’t want to trap someone or cause harm over things that are apparently standard behavior, things I’m apparently too foolish to grasp. I probably lack experience and need to see the world beyond this bubble I’ve created. This fantasy of the partner I’m hoping for isn’t healthy or realistic.

I’m going to start therapy soon to work on my low self esteem, my jealousy, and to better grasp reality because at 23 years old I can’t keep being this immature. I’m sorry if this post is confusing, I just dumped everything I was thinking. I’m feeling overwhelmed.

Maybe I already know the answer, that I should leave and not hurt this man I love, who is a good person and deserves more understanding than I can give him. Is it even likely that he’ll actually stop watching porn and other women like he promised me? Any advice or perspectives would be really appreciated.

P.S. I’m sorry if I’m being crazy or if I’m being a bad person for being bothered by these things. I really do want to change and for what hurts me today to stop existing because I want to live in the real world. This is my second serious relationship in my life. I haven’t had many experiences before because casual or short term things aren’t for me. I like to take my time getting to know people.

I’m not a native English speaker, I had to ask for help translating all of this. I’m sorry if anything sounds off.