[F22] Cause I'm fat, I'm so deeply scared of never finding anyone who would deeply and authentically love and care for me. I'm scared of losing my youth to this and losing out on being young and reckless and in love.

I don't think my face is bad to look at, I think my features are quite pretty and I have too many very close friendships to have a horrible personality, but no ones ever been interested in me or had a crush on me. I've fucked two people, my childhood bully and a 38 year old man. Neither we're obviously actually into me in any deeper way. I was just easy and vulnerable. I am trying to fix things. I've gotten over my eating disorder for the most part, it'll always be there, but its not a dominant force in my life anymore. I eat very normal foods, keeping track that I'm getting all the necessary nutrients and just trying to be healthy rather than chasing being skinny. But its been like a year and I know its cause I'm mot committed enough and don't move enough, but nothings changed. I'm still ugly without my clothes on. I'm not one of those cute chubby girls with a massive ass and tits. My stomachs shaped weird and my ass is mid at best and my tits are saggy and also weird. I just look ugly. Theres no beating around the bush. Even if I lost weight, theres no fixing a lot of it. I've ruined myself. I'm full of cuts, stretch marks and scars and my legs are pure cellulite. I look at myself in the mirror and I see a disfigured monster. . . I hide it pretty well with clothes, obviously I'm still fat, but I hide what I can. I make sure I always look clean and well put together and I'm interested in fashion anyway, so I should have some sense for an outfit. But still no one even looks into my direction in either lust or romantic interest, not even when I hide it. I just wanna melt together with someone. Hold them, love them, share everything with them. I want to have deep meaningful sex, something thats not just for pleasure, but connection, to feel the other person fully. To have them all around you and in you. I want to be someones world as much as they're mine. No one has ever reciprocated if I've shown interest. They've just vanished from my life. I know wallowing in self-pity doesn't fix anything. But I'm just so scared.