The long way to recovery - 15+ years of abuse by narc brother

Hi everyone,

For context I'm 38 F, N-brother is 35 M, and I live in a different country than my family. I discovered the word "narcissism" and that it most likely applies to brother only few years ago, as I came back in shambles from a traumatic family X-mas and my partner dropped the word. I documented myself, in 5 years, I learnt a lot, became able to recognise the gaslighting, call it out, learnt the concept of boundaries and enforced them. I learnt I had the right to remove myself from dangerous situations, and to have peace. I went LC, but after an event, the narc burst and decided on NC. This feels strangely liberating. This (very long) post relates the journey. I hope my story shows how realising what is going on can help us move forward. I'm also happy to discuss if anyone experienced something similar with a narc brother.

In 2020, my brother had spoilt the whole Xmas, by expressing his frustrations due to the lack of freedom during the Covid period, something he took as a personal attack. He complained that the Xmas food is not healthy and screws his sports diet. He passed orders on the family (me and my grandma, the host) "Buy me some bananas," "Make me some pasta while I go for a run," but he doesn't do anything himself. On Christmas Eve, he misbehaves (his usual arrogant and aggressive attitude); he and my father get into political discussions that only interest them, until he brutally left the table during the dessert, after pureeing his cake on his plate to show his displeasure. When I went and check on him to gently say we're waiting for him to open the presents, and asked what is going on, he yelled "if you'd listen to me, you'd know what is going on". The evening finished without presents. Unfortunately, since we are hosted at my granny, I must share the bedroom with him later on, and I can hardly sleep because i feel intimidated and shaken. In the next days we "speak" and I "get over it". But when relating the stress from all this to my partner, he was shocked, described the behaviour as unacceptable, and told me it looks like narcissism, and I should read about this.

This was not the first abuse either. Things had somewhat improved thanks to distance since our teenage years, but actually I can't remember a particularly good relationship between my brother and myself ever. In our teens my brother was always jealous of me (I was a brilliant student, he was average but demanding rewards for his grades), and would use anything to put me down, calling me fat at the diner table, treating my boyfriends with disdain, calling me "iron mouth" (something my mom taught him, very smart) cause I had to wear a teeth straightener etc. I always put it on siblings rivalry, and wanted to leave the parental home asap, which I did at 17 to go study. Since I was focusing on my studies, I did not do my driving licence until late, as he got his license before me, he used it as a proof he was better than me (at least on that point) and to tease me. He was also implying I was not able to drive and would drive very fast and scarily the few times I had to be in the car with him.

We lived in an isolated village, and during my uni time (in 2009 or 2010, I was about 24, he 22) once my parents were away and made him promise me to drop me at the train station (5 km away) so I could go back to the city where I studied, more than 500 km away. He promised, but on the previous evening he went partying and never came back. The closer we got to the train departure I was calling him in distress asking where he was and when he would come back. He just said he would come back, but never did. A friend from another village ended up dropping me at the station. I was furious but to protect my parents I did not mention it.

I went on to do very good studies and landed a stable, well paid job abroad. Since then, I come back home for family events like X-mas.

2012, it was another Xmas; I was with a long term bf at that time, I was 26, the feast was to take place at my parents, but we (brother, ex and I) had to go pick my granny 1.5h away and bring her home to celebrate Xmas together, since she could no longer drive. Now I had my license... My brother asked to drive, and we agreed. But he was extremely reckless, driving 130 km/h+ on a wet road, when the limit was 90. He didn't care for tickets, it was my dad's car. Ex and I were very scared and we both repeatedly asked that he drives prudently and follows the rules, he didn't, didn't reply and forced us to endure that and hope we'd stay safe. Once at my granny, I got hold of the car key and said he wont do the drive back. He refused first. I was so much pushed over the limit, I yelled to the top of my voice, my ex had never witnessed something like this, that he wont do the drive back and get in the car now. My brother started to cry, and remained sullen over the whole Xmas, refused to speak to me for several days. On the day of my departure, he gave me a letter I still have in which he said I treated him like a child in front of my grandmother, something he said he didn't deserve, that he was going through a difficult time because he was looking for a job and had just broken up with his ex (let's add: after punching that girl's new boyfriend in the nose, which forced me to move all his belongings since the girl refused to let him into their old apartment, all that without receiving a thank you). The letter contains no apology. In the end, he gave me a small Xmas gift, and I thought everything was solved... Naive me.
When I reread this letter today, I understand that it was his first clear instance of gaslighting, where he absolves himself of driving dangerously, reverses the roles of victim and aggressor, and where he says he wants a reconciliation and loves me so that I'll come back and be abused again.

Fast forward multiple years, 2 hard break ups on my side (I was attracted and holding on to unhealthy relationships, due to years of negating my own needs), 2 years of bad depression on my side, and an international move. I'm in a better place, but still don't have very warm family relationships; I start to accept it is just like that, but I didn't get much support for the personal shit I went through, I didn't talk much about it either (maybe didn;t allow myself to take that space...). When realising what I went through and that my depression was pretty severe, I did open up, more to share awareness on depression, its danger and the fact that a psychologist would likely have saved me a lot of time. Only reaction was "you shouldn't have stayed like that (in depression)"
With my brother, things remained a bit distant, and I always felt our interactions pretty one sided. I would get frustrated that he called only when needing something (sometimes an ear when he talks about himself, sometimes a service), being regularly rude, that i was the one always buying the coffee or the drinks, but i would still rejoice from spending time together and let the frustration go. I thought things were better but I was getting breadcrumbs and happy about it. The best memories are limited to a nice afternoon walk in Paris and a few nice moments, which I mostly created. I offered him so much, I invited him to try diving, something I enjoy (not the cheapest hobby either), invited him to join a ski trip with my closest friends when he said he was sad not to go skiing this that year for lack of a plan. I invited him to stay at my home in Vienna when he and my parents first came (my parents stayed at an AirBnB due to lack of space), cooked for him, and did everything I could to be a good host, took him out to a jazz club to have time together etc (of course I paid the entrance and drinks). I thought things were better... that finally siblings rivalry disappeared and we could have a close bond. But with a sick person like that, there is never a relationship.

You already know about Xmas 2020. Now let's move to Xmas 2021: his gf caught COVID few days before, and he refused to test so he could participate in a running contest on Dec 26th, "for which he'd been training for 2 years." Never mind our elderly parents, our 90+ year old grandmother, and my need to fly home. At that moment, I realized how selfish he was. The rest of my family downplayed the risk; I was the only one fighting it. He finally took a rapid test after his race, but said he had breathing difficulties which he refused to consider as symptoms, and arrived at the family home on the 26th evening. I was tense and annoyed by the situation. He barely said hi to me, ignored me, and only spoke to my parents, exclusively about his race for over an hour.
Th family was waiting for him to celebrate Christmas and postponed the festivities to Dec 27th. That day, he went for a run without saying anything to anyone; we waited for him for Christmas lunch until 1:30 pm. He was sulky, and the atmosphere was terrible: tension, aggression, contempt. I couldn't stand the oppressive atmosphere anymore, I left the table and went upstairs to cry; after a while, I burst and yelled between sobs, "Why do you always ruin Christmas for us every year with your insecurities of little boy?!" (It was not smart to hit in the mile like that.) He raced up, and I heard his loud steps in the stairs, he is muscular and 2 meters tall, just this was scary enough, and then he slaps me. My father followed him and said weakly "You two stop, please stop." After my brother left, my father hugged me, and I tried to compose myself and downplay what had happened so my dad doesn't break apart. This was actually very unhealthy on all fronts. Not putting words on what happened, minimizing the behaviour to protect others not me, putting myself last, despite being the one under attack.
Later, my brother and I talked things out. I think I apologized, I don't know if he did. He recognised he does not manage his anger well, and I gave him lots of tips to help and try and do better (agree to disagree, think before you react, take a walk if you feel the anger come, etc). The tension subsided, I felt like it's resolved, that he understood, that he's going to improve, that he just lost it because I was mean. We went for a walk together, during which he talked about himself, his sport, and his coach the whole time. I tried to subtly suggest that a psychologist could help us deal with our emotional baggage and help us in our lives. He agreed... I hope he gets the hint and gets help. I held my face in front of family, but collapsed, exhausted, when I went home to my partner, who once again helped me and put the pieces back together.

2022: another year another Xmas drama. Like last year, I'm stressed and anxious weeks earlier in anticipation. The thought of sleeping in the same room as my brother makes me uncomfortable after last year's events. Besides the psychological side, he doesn't respect my sleep, watches series without headphones and leaves the door open as soon as he gets up. I arrive at my granny's house at noon after a 6-hour journey. He's already there. "Do you want a coffee?" "Yes, please." "Then you make the coffee" he tells me within the first few minutes. Then he announces he has bought gifts for noone "for lack of time." The next day, as he's alone and sulking, I approach and gently ask "Are you okay?" He turns around and shouts "Leave me alone!"
On X-mas Eve, he sulks and leaves the meal early, so the rest of the family gives up on giving gifts and goes to bed early. The next day at noon, the gifts are placed on the table. As usual, dozens of packages on the table, as if their number could erase the sadness of these loveless moments. There are two packages from the same chocolatier on the table: a beautiful, neat package with a colorful ribbon - for my brother, and a crumpled paper bag - for me... I'm really struck by this asymmetry. Why a beautiful gift for the bully who terrorizes the family, and a packet that looks just out of the trash for me, who am respectful? What injustice and what a difference! I start crying uncontrollably. My mother comes to see me, but I don't want to say what's bothering me, otherwise she'll use it to endlessly attack my father and the chaos will continue. So I keep quiet, but I'm hurting and I can't stop crying. It's a torrent. I can't take all this tension anymore and now everything is pouring out. When my father comes, I explain the contrast of packages make me feel deeply devalued. He's honestly confused and explains that my package got damaged in his pocket and he didn't think it was important. That only helps a little; I'm so tired of being the always-nice girl who's expected not to get upset about anything. We sit down to eat. I'm not really in the mood, but I try to make an effort.
Later, I talk to my brother. Stupidly, I tell him what upset me so much earlier. He takes advantage of this info to put me down, saying, "Oh yeah? Your father gives you a gift and that's how you react?" and tries to make me believe I'm crazy and unstable. He proceeds to gaslight me ans says I am so tensed I am unapproachable, but he refuses to see his behaviour caused my stress. He puts it all on the fact that I am doing some studies on the side of my job. I explained "For instance, I gave you a gift, you didn't even say thank you. I ask nicely how you're doing, and you're shouting at me angrily. We never know what mood you are, it stresses me out. I don't understand you. You behave as if I bother you or you despise me. And you already hit me once. I can't take this anymore." He replied "I did say thank you. You're the one who thinks all this. It's all in your head, it's your perception that I spoke angrily." He got angrier as he spoke "Don't you think I already have enough on my plate with my new job, issues with my gf and my sports?" I replied "Everyone has things going on! (I was studying an MBA next to my full time job!) You have in front of you someone suffering and instead of listening, you get angry?" "You're making up stories in your head. You are the one hurting yourself. You're the only one bringing yourself to cry here. You see how shitty you look ?! (hinting at my tired eyes from lack of sleep and lots of tears) I am the only here who cares about you in this house and I am scared for you." (he then left angrily).

This was textbook gaslighting. Since I read a lot on narcissism and gaslighting, I was aware of it and I could recognise it as it unfolded, but it was still difficult to stand the abuse. That moment, I felt the urge to remove myself from that house asap. Planes flying back to my home were all full so I asked my dad that we leave for their place. I wasn't feeling safe. Emotionally, things were super charged, and the situation could escalate again any time, and could include physical violence again, so I could not stay. My parents agreed to leave the next morning; I had another horrible night. Before I left, I told my brother I must leave, and asked him to reflect about what I said to him the day before. He tried to gaslight me again, said it was all in my head, we cried and he gave me chocolates, but I said I must go. Even when I reached my parents house, I couldn't sleep at all the first night.

I tried to speak to my dad about my brother's behaviour, and he agreed it is really problematic, but he is too scared to say anything to him (my interpretation). I can't speak to my mom, she also has issues. I tried once, and she made it all about herself. I could write a post about her , how she verbally abused my dad all our childhood, her anger outbursts, how she once abandoned the family for a week when I was 17, or told me litterally I could go and su*c*de when I was 16 because I angered her by asking too many questions about what is the point of being a good student/ always meeting expectations... but it is not the topic today. So I spoke to my dad 1-to-1 as he is the most reasonable family member. Dad said "it is sad people reach the point of not talking anymore". I explained everything I did for my brother, and what I got in return. "But you are the only person he really listens to", but I am neither a free psychologist nor a punching ball. I explained I can't do this anymore and I won't come next year for Xmas. I described how uncomfortable I am to sleep in the same room as someone violent, my dad replied "ah but it was just a small pat". I was in complete disbelief. He even said this twice, invalidating my experience, and minimizing the violence. I stood strong, repeated my experience, put words on his behaviour, and restated I cannot sleep there with him, to which he said "I see, maybe you could sleep on the sofa in the living room". Total disbelief again that he'd rather make the victim uncomfortable than say anything to the offender. It disappointed me so much, because I thought he was the only reasonable person in this family, but he will say any sh.t to maintain the appearances of a united family rather than agree his son is violent. I felt so alone. Later I kinda forgave this by understanding this is a cowardly protective mechanism he has. But I also know I can't get any help from anyone in my family in the situation with my brother. When I came back to my home far away, I collapsed and my partner was super supportive again, and it is a lot thanks to him that I can process all this mess.

2024: My partner and I decided to get married and have a small wedding (~30 guests). Despite the bad relationship, and the fact we were LC after the previous events, we decided to invite my brother, despite not speaking at the time, we knew from others he had a new gf but decided not to invite the her because 1 it was recent, 2 we didn't know her and were never officially introduced, 3 we had limited space, and 4 we didn't feel like making any extra effort for my brother. We also decided not to invite, for example, my aunt, my father's sister, with whom my mother has a conflict... My parents were very happy about the wedding and invite. I privately informed my father of the decision not to invite the girlfriend, and he replied he understood because "sometimes you have to make hard choices." I was satisfied. Then I called my brother to invite him. He showed no emotion, gave a forced "congratulations" and then asked if he had a role in the wedding (expecting a special role, something to put himself in the limelight), to which I replied no, that he should just enjoy the party. Then he assumed his girlfriend (whom he never mentioned to me directly, I emphasize) was invited. I clarified that she wasn't, due to the small guest list. The next day I received this message from my father: "Your brother called me. He's very touched to be invited to your wedding and disappointed that GF can't come. I think he's very attached to her. I promised him I'd talk to you about this. If you could find a place for her despite the constraints, I would be as delighted as he would. I'm asking you to see if a solution is possible... Kisses to you both." and again some manipulation worked really well in the background ! It is scary how easily my brother manipulated my dad.

I fought nearly the whole year against this. Since I explained to Brother, we don't want a person we never met person at our intimate ceremony, he wanted to organise a meeting, thinking it would automatically result in an invitation. Hubby and I agreed to meet, giving him the benefit of the doubt. Brother was very inflexible and tried making it only on his own terms, asking us to travel (multiple hours) etc. We finally agreed on a weekend in Northern Italy, a place hubby and I also like, more or less half way. We booked an accommodation accessible by train, and suggested him another nearby, so that we are independent (he wanted us to share one place and be dependent on his car, which was a no-go). Unfortunately his gf developed a pulmonary issue, so it became unsure she could travel to the mountains, we wished her quick recovery, and said to keep us posted. A week or 2 before the planned trip, we still has no news from them, so I inquired about their plan, to which he replied she wouldn't be able to come, not saying whether he would or not. He then called me. I suspected he wanted something. When I asked if he would come, he confessed he had not even thought he could and meet us if GF didn't join, which showed how little he cared about us, and what his goal really was. After an awkward small talk, he got to the point: how were we going to meet GF before the wedding (since his goal was for her to be invited)? So I informed him that we decided to extend the invitation to her regardless, because some seats had become available. "I'm glad to see you made the right decision." he replied obnoxiously. "You put me in a really difficult situation, to explain to her that she wasn't invited. I had to tread very carefully." I reminded him that he didn't mention her existence to me before I announced the wedding, and therefore the fact that she wasn't invited wasn't that surprising. I added it is strange to expect an invite from someone you never met, when it is a small intimate wedding, with only close friend and family. I said it's not a wedding with hundreds of people, and that she may be used to bigger parties, but for us other people came first. I suspect he was pretending she was upset to avoid himself coming alone to the wedding... And then the straw that broke the camel's back: he said "If we were distant friends, I would understand but I'm your brother, and therefore I believe we have a relationship that implies you should do things differently for me." I exploded inside, but in a calm voice, where frustration barely showed stated : "Brother, let me remind you you haven't spoken to me for 2 years. Every message I send in the "Family" chat is systematically ignored, you haven't reacted to any picture I sent from my recent oversees trip, except to one-up me and say "look at what I did, it's better!". You could have just written "Nice landscape, have a good weekend" like I always do to you, to be nice, but with you everything I send falls into a black hole." Then I got some more aggressor-victime reversal with a sprinkle of passive-aggressivity : "Oh wow, you waited 2 years to tell me about this ? Communication isn't your strong point. If it was important, you should have told me before." But he had to keep it a bit down cause he still needed the invite from me... so I hear his voice change, maybe he's also uncomfortable that I'm so clearly and calmly calling out his behavior. "The family chat was for giving updates, so it's normal that if you give updates, I give them too." he says. I explain a conversation is supposed to go both ways and that if you're ignored, especially for so long, you understand that the other person doesn't care about you at all. He denies "messaging and face-to-face communication have nothing to do with each other" and the best part: "Anyhow, I don't remember having ignored you, so I don't think it was the case. It's only your perception. And the proof that I didn't have bad intentions against you is that I don't remember it anymore, otherwise I would remember it"... Hilarious gaslighting attempt ! You can't expect anything from him but manipulation, never an apology. Never mind, I'm taking advantage of the fact that he wants something from me to corner him: "But still, do you understand my point of view that when you're treated like that, you can feel offended?" "Uh, uh, possibly in certain circumstances, uh, it's possible that that could happen." I cornered the narc ! :D

The wedding happened, it was a brilliant day, full of love and close friends, great food and long dancing. Brother ignored me the whole day, but I couldn't care. My close friends noticed his attitude, not pulling a smile the whole day and said it was not polite or friendly. I also had a back-up plan with some friends that if he attempts to make a mess, they will kick him out. Fortunately that was not required. I also spoke to the GF for some time and got to know her a bit, she seemed OK.

Few months later (Jan 2025) brother texts me out of nowhere, asking how our honeymoon trip was. I know he wants something... this does not fail. Soon he says he will come to my city for a half marathon and asks if he can stay at my place. For hubby and I, it's a clear no. We don't want a disrespectful, violent person at our place, nor to be expected to take care of him, his special food, nor be awoken at 6 am for his run. So we said no and I give the excuse of lack of space. Maybe I shouldn't have but I feared I had to argument. I suggest a hotel where my parents stayed earlier (cause I could not always host them either...) and say to get in touch to meet for coffee or diner when he is there. He pretended to take the refusal graciously, but as we'll see he held grief. We ended up meeting for a coffee, which he informed us at the last minute (11am for the afternoon) but we had time so we went. GF was there, they had broken up and patched up (I knew from my granny) and it was a weird forced conversation, but as hubby and I agreed "better to talk as not at all".

Now, few months later, we had time to arrange a guest bedroom, but it is temporary (our old bed, which we're planning to sell), as we need the space for a child's room. So I invited my parents to stay over "while the guest bed is still there". Brother found out and got in a rage. For the first time in 3 years, he writes a message directly to my attention in the family chat: "Your apartment was too small to accommodate your brother, but big enough for Mom and Dad. How dishonest. I'm taking note of this. You're no longer welcome in my home. You disgust me, Sister." (NB: he called me for my Bday and while speaking exclusively about himself, he mentioned he bought a flat, and said I could visit if I came nearby - something extremely unlikely due to the distance, and that I would not have done due to the violence and state of the relationship). Upon that he left the family chat group, leaving me and my dad alone there. I first got angry when I saw his text, but then only said to Dad "I saw his evil message. I won't reply. At all. Not now, not later. For your info, since you saw the outburst: I invite who I want at mine, Hubby and I dont want violent people in our home, we also want to sleep well and not babysit him for his sports. Moreover, we really had no guest room at that time so it would have been inconvenient. I don't ask you to tell him anything, and if you do, I don't want to know your conversation with him. I have Hubby, we're very happy together, and I don't need this drama in our life". Dad said our decision not to host him was legitimate and I must protect myself (I am now expecting, we just shared the news to my parents). This was much more support than I got before from himand expected tbh, and it was good to see. Maybe he grew too, maybe because of pregnancy ? Husband was shocked at the violence and entitlement from the message. He said I never deserve to be treated that way, and we will never allow this abuse to repeat itself, that Brother is sick and never allowed in our home.

Today, I saw brother blocked me on Facebook and Instagram, and I felt like laughing. I feel strangely relieved. I did not cry. I did not overly discuss the topic, just 5 minutes with dad and Hubby. Also shared it to some friends, and well, this long post. I feel a big weight dropped. I think the narc could not stand my breaking free from his abuse, he tried to force himself back in my life but I said no and he burst. I am proud that over the years, I told him everything I had to say, including once a "in your life, there is only yourself, noone else matters", that I see his his behaviour and refuse to be treated this way. Now I feel relieved it's over. I'm conscious he may try to hoover back, and do a smear campaign. I hope my family will be smart enough to see through, but with their age, I don't know. Time will tell. Years of abuse slowly came to clear light, I am extremely grateful to my husband for opening my eyes, always supporting me, putting words on my experience, validating it, and telling me to seek help. I told him how much I appreciate this and that I feel I grew a lot. It has allowed me to recognize the abuse, to identify gaslighting as it happened, reinforce my boundaries and maintain them. I feel more powerful than I ever was in this situation and feel ready to build a healthy and loving family with a fantastic man !

If you read so far : read all about the narc topic, get help if you need to, identify the abuse patterns to get out of it, find healthy friends and partners who validate you ! (don't fall for unhealthy partners, as we have the bad tendency to tolerate abuse in intimate relationships too!) You deserve a beautiful, and you will manage to get it !

TL;DR : years of abuse finally clear, narc busted and hopefully NC for long