Isolation, porn addiction, and some sexual confusion?

Hello everyone, this is like my very first post ever. I have NOBODY to discuss this with so I figured I’d try anonymously on reddit. Any and all responses are appreciated, I just want to know who else out there has dealt with similar experiences and what you did. It’s a bit of a long story with several years of “lore” so please bear with me. Fair warning I will be detailed so some of this will be a bit graphic

I would consider myself straight for the most part. I’m in the belief that sexuality is a spectrum, you can go more one way or the other. I have always liked women, only wanted relationships with women, and still very much do. But I’m trying to figure out what this “kink” or “fetish,” whatever you want to call it, is.

When I was in middle school I developed a friendship online over my PlayStation with someone very far from me. This person became a brother to me, and still is today. They became apart of my everyday life, and melded well with my friend group as well. They have been in my life for about 15ish years give or take. After a few years of friendship and being 2 middle school boys we started becoming comfortable sharing porn with each other. We would send videos from porn hub and what not and just kinda be like “this is hot” or something and that was it. Eventually though it evolved.

We did this every once in a while for a few years. I’d say around our sophomore year of highschool we finally organized a trip where he would come to where I lived and stay with my family for like a week so him, myself and all of our friends (who lived in my state because we were friends from school) would meet and have an awesome time meeting our online best friend. The trip was great he came down and we had a great time. But we did something. One random night when he was staying with me and all our friends had gone back home we started talking about porn again. One thing led to another and we ended up jerking off together while we watched porn. We did this twice before he left and didn’t really discuss it for a bit. A few weeks or a month later we were texting and it came up.

We both came to the conclusion that we really enjoyed it, so much so that we both kinda wanted to touch each other and become more sexually engaged with each other rather than watch the porn. He admitted that he really wanted to suck my dick the entire time and I had told him that I really wanted to be jerking him off the entire time. This created a very important moment in our friendship and even just in my life. I didn’t know how to feel about it, I was young, always liked girls, had been sexually active with girls and didn’t know what the feeling meant. We both kinda discussed that if he ever came back to town or vice versa that we would probably end up doing something more physical because we both wanted to try something like that. Over the next year or so we still talked about porn but we did end up sending photos and videos of each other to one another. We would sext and jerk off over text and we’re both excited to try this out one day.

Well that day came, he came back for a second time. And for some reason we did NOTHING this time lol. I think it was nerves and just timing but we both admitted that while he was there the second time that we were both incredibly horny for each other and wanted nothing more than to do what we talked about, but never did.

As time went on we did the same ole things of swapping porn and what not. And I finally asked him a question. I had always known this friend was probably gay even before everything, just his vibe. But I never asked him about how when we first jerked of together why it took him SIGNIFICANTLY longer than me to finish. I remember in the moment noticing that he was flaccid for a very long time despite me being very aroused. And what took me no time at all to finish because I was so aroused took him much longer. He admitted it was because he was nervous but also because he didn’t like the porn we were watching, and had never after all those years liked any of the porn we watched. This is when he began to show me what he liked and when I kinda figured out that yes he was much more bi or gay than I thought either of us were.

He showed me all sorts of things. It was my introduction to this side of porn. While what he liked was a bit too extreme for me or just not my thing. One thing stuck with me was the transgender porn and futanari hentai specifically. At first I didn’t like any of it. I stick with my pron hub stuff. We continued to swap porn but he was now comfortable sending me what he REALLY was into. I played along because this entire time I was getting a sexual fix out of him not watching or seeing stuff he liked, so I made sure to make him feel comfortable sharing that with me.

Eventually I started getting curious in my own. Looking at futanari specifically. Sharing with him, and so forth. I enjoyed this type of porn because I liked the women features (tits, face, body structure, etc) but with a dick in between the legs. I still like women and still want to and enjoy having sex with them, but I found this new Avenue for myself. Eventually I started looking at transgender porn. All of this discovery led to a niche for myself sexually that I didn’t know I had.

I really enjoy “femboys.” Super feminine physical features, but with a dick.

This was great news for my friend because we just started exchanging this porn. I didn’t feel a need to send him the traditional stuff anymore because we both got aroused by it. We would often times share our screens on discord and look at this together or exchange texts and porn as we jerked off. This went on for a while, but unfortunately people and times change.

What started in middle school is now a post college friendship. We barely talk, they are now years into transitioning to female. And the best/worst part… they have a boyfriend now. This is where I have become very confused, frustrated and feel alone and want some help or advice.

We both grew up and things changed, we got distant and our friend group split, devolved and evolved all at the same time. As much as I wanted to be friends forever I knew once she became more heavy on the transition she wouldn’t stay forever. Our mutual friend group was just not the best environment for her, and while I am so happy she has found her people and feels comfortable being who she always wanted to be, it’s left me completely alone with this weird fucking fetish that I don’t understand but more specifically have NO ONE to share it with or talk about it with.

I always thought that if I ever wanted to TRY anything like sucking dick or anything that it would be with this person. But for the past idk 3-4 years I’ve been struggling with knowing it won’t be. I want to preface that I really don’t find transgenders or femboys all that attractive. I really can’t stand when their face is in frame in porn. I enjoy seeing a “feminine body” and a dick. If the features or even the lighting even reminds me it’s a guy I usually don’t watch. This has created a super ultra specific porn preference for myself and without this person in my life I genuinely don’t think I will try it. I’m ok with this fact, it’s just I have NO ONE to talk about it with. I’ve had many girlfriends in this time, and usually don’t look at this stuff when I was with them. But they were never really anyone I could talk about it with.

I also feel like all these years of porn has ruined me. It wasn’t until way later down the line that I realized I have a fetish for cum, partially created with my friend. It’s almost exclusively what I look for now. Videos of femboys jerking off has flooded my feeds and intrest and I think it all stems from what I was watching years ago and this relationship that was created between this friend and I. The difference is that now with this self awareness, I’m just stuck with it and can’t talk to anyone who gets that.

I’ve tried toys and what not and really don’t like the feeling of anything going in me to be quite honest. But I do enjoy watching, possibly being a part of the videos I’m seeing and “fantasizing” about it but not actually doing it.

I’m not sure what to do. Get a therapist that specializes in sexual “trauma” or porn addiction? Though it out like I’ve been told my whole life, or continue to engage in it and make the isolated feelings feel worst.

At the end of the day I’m just curious what other people who know nothing about me have to say. Have you been through a similar experience or are you going through it? I’d love to talk in the comments or privately. Please feel free to ask questions, and thank you for being the one to finally listen, even if it was an entire fucking essay.