Rant

I can’t stop sinning. I was on fire for God a while ago but then I suddenly went back to my old idols and now I’m in this sinful state I tried repenting earlier but I did so knowing I was going to continue with the same sins, I’ve been feeling very anxious because of my sin and so I’ve resorted to using my sin as a coping mechanism which at first only made me more anxious but now I’m starting to become numb, I know the answer is to just stop sinning but I truly don’t think I can, I have lived this way for over a decade now and I can’t even remember a time when I was happy and normal, I’m not even living I’m just existing, I keep the same routine everyday because it keeps me from facing my reality, I have made the things I do every day my idols and for a while when I was on fire for God I actually managed to give them up and for quite some time too, but when I feel back into them and felt so hopeless and close to my last straw God wasn’t there at least I didn’t feel that He was there, and if He was there He just watched. I guess I’m on my way to becoming a reprobate mind and very possibly committing blasphemy. I only hope God breaks me to a point that I had nothing else to turn to but Him, but at this point I don’t even know if that will be what makes me change for once. What can you do for someone who both desperately wants to change but also doesn’t want to do anything to change.

I don’t need replies I just wanted to get this off my chest.