TW: SH

Idk what this even is but it keeps happening. So, I havnt cut myself in 66 days (technically 67 cuz it's after midnight but I don't really count that cuz I havnt slept yet) But very often (typically at least once a day) I get the urge. It's not too overwhelming, at least not when it's random, but it's enough to make me think. Enough to make me start thinking about where the nearest blade is, how I can access it and exactly what I'd do with it if I got my hands on it. It happens for literally no reason, I could just be minding my own buisness watching TV when I get it. I havnt given in to it just yet, but I feel like I'm losing it. It shouldn't be happening, I havnt cut In so long so why do I want too so badly sometimes?

It's even worse when I'm upset or triggered by something. Like today my depression was really bad and I just couldn't do anything. I wanted to get up and go outside, or to go clean my room throughly like I was planning on doing this weekend, but I couldn't move. But then my Dad started pressing me to go do about 20 different things for him and I just lost it. I didn't relapse, just yelled at him and locked myself in my room for an hour or so. But during that hour, I wanted to SH so fucking badly. I felt guilty and like there was something wrong with me because I know I should be able to do more things, but sometimes I just can't. I don't even know how to describe it but I just can't. If I had a blade if some sort in my room, I would've done it. I know I would've. I'm 66 days clean but sometimes the only thing that stops me is my physically not being able too for whatever reason, and I hate it.

The point is, I don't think I can stay clean for much longer. My social anxiety has been so bad recently, and my depression, and the idea of cutting gives me this weird fucked up sense of bad nostalgia that I crave for some reason. I genuinely don't know how much longer I can hold off for. I'm slowly going insane with how much I want too do it.

I'm 66 days clean but I wanna relapse so bad