Totally scared that either of my parents could die anytime soon while I live far away

Guys, this thought has been haunting me for months lately, especially after all my college friends abandoned me and all my dating attempts failed miserably. I’ve never been as lonely as I am today. I’m 30 years old, lonely, loveless, broke, depressed. I feel like I failed at everything in life: socially, professionally, romantically. I never made my parents feel proud. I haven’t achieved anything.

I graduated high school at 15 with perfect grades, valedictorian, but since then everything went downhill. I dropped out of college twice. Started everything over later. Felt like I could never fit in. Could never keep any friends I made. I finally graduated with a degree in biochemistry at 28, but it feels like it was too late. Now, two years post-graduation, I haven’t been able to find a good job. I’ve been quitting different jobs, trying to find something better, but the only jobs I’ve been able to get are worse. Now I’m basically a factory worker at a pharma plant. It sucks.

Anyway, what has really started to scare me is the thought of my parents eventually dying. They’re already in their 60s/70s. I live far away from them. I couldn’t get a job near them. Even if I tried to move back home, I don’t have enough money saved. I’m actually totally drowned in debt, around $30k. If I went back, I’d be unemployed at home, cramped into their tiny apartment — it would be kinda sad. But at the same time, I want to live with them. I don’t know what to do to prevent them from dying.

My plan five years ago was to become a scientist and discover some miracle treatment that would extend my parents’ lifespan for at least 20 more years. But science didn’t give me the chance to prove myself. Now at 30 it feels too late to start grad school. I would finish at 35–36, and then what? That would be six more years living away from home… oh my god, this is so sad. My parents are probably missing me, thinking I’m a bad son for living away from them in their elderly years. I hate myself for that. If I had at least $20k saved, I would move back with them right away and take my time finding a new job. But even if I did that, they will eventually die. Why can’t science find a way to extend human lifespan, for god’s sake? Why? I wanted to help achieve that, but I never got the chance. Every research job I applied to rejected me. I would have put all my heart and soul into that goal, for my parents.

Right now, at work, surrounded by complete strangers who have nothing to do with me, I think about my parents, about my childhood, about how they were so young and strong; how I used to think they would be around forever. I let them down. I was a bad son. And I still am. Now whenever I talk to them over the phone, I want to cry, but I don’t. I don’t want them to think I’m having a hard time here alone, miserable, with no girlfriend, no one I can rely on. When I talk to them, they don’t sound like the parents they used to be. They sound weaker, hesitant, as if they don’t know what advice to give me anymore. It breaks me.

Please… oh gods… if I could go back to 2005. Please.