I’ve just started E!!

I don’t know the purpose of this post but except to yap because I’m 2 weeks into Estrogen and everything is amazing.

A little background, I have BPD. I have always struggled with my self image, and my sense of self, and purpose. I have been out as trans for 2 years now, and identified as nonbinary for 3 years prior. I would say there’s still the andro side in me, i like to switch between.

When I was trans pre-e, so up until a couple weeks ago, my dysphoria and dysmorphia was horrific. I didn’t even recognise my own reflection, which i still struggle with a little bit, and I would battle constant intrusive thoughts and crazy crashouts whenever i was doing my makeup, getting dressed, showering, even just looking at myself. I considered detransitioning multiple times.

I don’t know what you girlies know about the UK, but the process for getting HRT through our healthcare system is lengthy, not guaranteed, and can be very expensive. I don’t know about you, but having an assessment feels very chancey as someone with BPD and a history of hospital admissions and dr*g issues. So after a year of absolutely dying for HRT and having already been scammed once, my trans friend gave me a link to a private seller (don’t worry, we both conducted a lot of research and made sure this was legit and the dosing was correct). It’s a lot cheaper, took 2 days to came and is most certainly working!

I have felt nothing but joy and euphoria since taking oestrogen. I can see my body changing and inherently, that has made the depersonalisation and dysmorphia almost entirely go away, i still struggle with my dysphoria, but it’s dampened. I stood staring at myself and looking at an old photo side by side for 20 mins grinning from ear to ear and squealing, feeling like I was going to burst into tears of joy. I’m normally very emotionally absent when I’m not having a BPD moment, and don’t show excitement for anything, so this is crazy to me.

My body is changing slowly but because I’m skinny, I am seeing things change fast. My face has filled out a little, and I am growing in some hips and a butt! It’s all very subtle at the moment, but when I’m looking at parts of me that I used to hate with every bone in my body and seeing that it is changing into something I have wished for ever since I was a little kid and didn’t even know why, all I can feel from that is joy and euphoria.

It obviously has come with its downfalls, I am very snappy at the moment and have been splitting on my girlfriend a lot more, but it’s hard for me to tell if it’s my BPD going through a bad patch, or if it’s mood swings. I feel there is definitely a clash going on, and I am also very burnt out from work, which just adds insult to injury. And the novelty has somewhat worn off, as I know things will slow down a bit for a while now.

Overall, though, is genuinely the most magical thing that I could’ve been given the opportunity of. I am so grateful for my friend and to finally have this opportunity.

All I’d like to know is a bit of a roadmap, so if any of you have some expedience, please do share! And any advice would be massively appreciated💕💕