I messed up big time and will always regret it.

I’m at the end of my rope. (For clarification I’m a 23 yo dude and my gf is beautiful 33 yo woman)

The day before yesterday, I caused another fight with my beautiful and loving girlfriend. Unfortunately this has been happening ever since we’ve gotten together about 3 years ago, I always thought I had my problems and traumaresponses under control, as being alone it was not something I was often confronted with. When I was it was easy to manage and I was only hurting myself.

That all changed when I feel deeply in love with the love of my life, she is the most caring and kind person. It was the first time I’ve felt safe, at peace or at home. She is the one that gave me the ability to think about the future, having a house together and raising our own kids. Never before had I honestly hoped to live past 20.

After the honeymoon phase it started becoming clear that I had issues to resolve, when I went to see a professional I was diagnosed with CPTSD, fear of abandonment, anxiety disorder and a plethora of other related illnesses. She was kind and so incredibly understanding and helpful, as she took all the shit I’ve thrown her way. After a longer period she came to the realisation that we both have to work on ourselves before being able to continue in our relationship. We went no-contact for a week and after the photos of our vacation were developed, we met again and we picked up where we left off. This went on and another breakup happend as I barely changed at all.

After a month we went out for coffee and an activity. I planned the whole day start tot finish. Found the most cute and adventurous coffee place, then we went to a castle, and while sitting there I offered to either go to a city in our country and explore an art exhibit or to go to Antwerp and stay the night. Of course the choice was clear and we headed voor Antwerp, we had the best time and explored the city. We made great memories (and the was deeply impressed by my planning).

We picked it up afterwards, about 2 months ago we got the chance to move in together. And even though it definitely was a risk, I was living with 5 roommates (for 6 years by that time) and I loved the idea of our own place. So we went for it.

Unfortunately I’ve been in a rut the past year, and it got worse during our time living together. I often cancelled shared appointments, made big fights before if I did go to the appointment, and made her feel extreme unsafe by being incredibly easily irritable. Getting very mad and scaring and scarring her.

To my deepest regret she couldn’t take my shit anymore after the fight two days ago, and she broke up with me. I’ve been absolutely broken ever since, in the practical aspect I have to find a new home, leave the beautiful place we’ve built together. Emotionally I’m a giant wreck, unable to sleep well having nightmares about us and bittersweet dreams about what our future might’ve been. We will be living together until the end of the year, the chances of ever getting back in a loving relationship are slim to none. Seeing as I pulled out all the stops previously and I do not want to keep her from being happy and safe. So if I cannot fix myself I will never deserve her, or anyone as sweet or kind (even though they don’t exist).

I break a few times a day, while we still have some time together I am trying to be the best person I can, the only one she deserves. I want to undertake activities and make some good memories of our lasts months together, we celebrated our housewarming 2 weeks ago and my birthday is coming up in less than a month. I discovered I love hosting (especially together) so I really looked forward to celebrating everything we could. Like my birthday, but also to invite people over for dinner and a few board games.

There is nothing in my live I actually regret, even though I’ve been through a ton and I’ve made more mistakes then I can count.

This is the one thing I will regret for the rest of my days, until my last breath I will deeply regret not fixing my problems or at the least make it manageable for myself so I wouldn’t take all of her energy in putting out my fires.

The cards I’ve been dealt, like all of you were not my fault or doing. But not resolving, fixing or taking care of myself has cost me dearly, more than I can ever put into words.

Every moment of every day I think about our beautiful memories and it tears me apart that we (most likely) will never enjoy each other’s company in that sense again.

She was the girl of my most inconceivable dreams, the only one that gave me love even though I’ve hurt her so much.

TL:DR, I’m a wreck after my gf of 3 years broke up with me after she couldn’t take any more of my unresolved mental illnesses. We still live together and are both incredibly sad about it. I’m at a loss for words and have been for days. She will always the one that got away.

The lesson for anyone reading this, for who it might not be too late, is fix yourself and love yourself before you accidentally find the partner of your dreams and end up only seeing her again in your dreams because your weren’t ready.

Sorry for pouring my heart out, I don’t really have anyone else to share it in such detail without judgement.