Day 18 Morning

I woke up at 6AM to ice on the roads. She haunted my dreams all night. I woke at first at 2AM and tossed and turned.

At 6AM I decided it was best to just get ready for the day. Beat the traffic into work. Last thing I wanted was to be sitting in traffic after snow had fallen.

A day before the breakup I was around 205 to 206 give or take. Today, 18 days later I am about 193.5. The weight loss is, unhealthy. I am eating but obviously not like I use to. The sudden weight loss has caused me to feel cold. This morning given the weather I had no choice but to put the parka on.

I feel worthless, discarded and taken for granted. Watched a few videos last night, that were very much my situation. And all of them said, walk away when disrespected and don’t bother with any contact. That’s what I have done. Go on the premise she will never call back that her ego and pride will get the best of her. Even if she wants to call, and even if she knows you’re the best thing that ever happened to her. I’ve been hearing this for a long time. When I use to watch these videos before the break up. I use to think to myself that I will never have the strength to do it.

I guess, I should applaud myself for doing it, and walking when being disrespected. She also knows that I am the type that won’t call or text. I don’t pull up her number in my contacts, I don’t ponder should I call her. As calling someone like her, who always believes she can get what she wants.  And is accustomed to men chasing her, will only empower her. It will never result n any good.

But for me, it makes me very sad. That she couldn’t take it upon herself to make the call to say, this mattered to her. That in the end all the words were empty and hollow.

It’s Monday and I am dreading what will be on my plate. Urgent deadlines and meetings have become challenging to deal with.

I wonder if she cares, or she’s likely buried herself in word and her children. Likely thinking that maybe this is for the best. Likely thinking it was her that made the overture of meeting up, and that I walked away. Never taking accountability for the fact, that we are here because of her and her taking me for granted and disrespecting me.

I think to myself if I had accepted the half assed apology where would I be? I know logically I would have been miserable. And she, well would have just become worse and worse. Thinking she could do no harm. That she could break up with me whenever she wanted and that I would be hearing waiting for her.

It just makes me very sad that someone could be so egoistical. That I know so many here say, “I gave this person the world.” I really, really did more for this person than I have for anyone else.

All for it to be a joke. Sometimes, I think that hating her makes it easy. To think of all the crappy ways she treated me. To use that as my motivation to realize, this was not a nice person. But at the same time for whatever reason. Whether, it’s psychological or our upbringing. Some of us just always choose to fall in love with the absolute worst people. This is the story of my life.