Am i trans????

for the record im 15, and a girl. i dont know what is wrong with me. i hate every feminine aspect of myself, i want to claw off my boobs and rip out my hair, i want to be a man but nobody gets it. if i was a man i would have no problems. in all the media i consume i get so fucking infatuated with male characters, not just to the point of obsession, its further then that, i get the overwhelming need to transform into them, i rip out my hair when i think about being that male character and i dont know if i just dont like myself or if its something deeper than that, but i dont know if i WANT it to be something deeper than that, if i (rare chance) am actually trans, i cant bear the thought of coming out, telling my family, telling my school, it sounds so freeing but i cant stomach it. i feel like im going to implode with how badly i want to be a guy.

ive tried out alot of different pronouns, i used they/them for a while, she/they, they/he but i've NEVER thought of telling people i wanted to use he/him, because i dont even know if i want to. i dont know if im just weird. i like guys, but i feel like i like them in a gay way, not a straight way and i feel so disgusting whenever i think about it. i genuinely want to crawl out of my skin. and like sometimes i wish i was a lesbian as well and i like girls in a lesbian way but that made me think maybe its just a thing that i dont like myself and i just want to be somebody who isnt me but it doesnt feel like that i cant even explain the pit that i have in my soul, i sound so cringe lmao but i genuinely yearn when i see guys my age or guys on instagram and im just like thats supposed to be me?! it makes me genuinely angry and i hate everything because of it.

i dont know if im trans, i like being a girl, and i dont know if what im feeling is dysphoria??? i just yearn so badly to be someone whos a skinny guy, whos blonde or brunette and everyone likes you know? i want to have a boyfriend who loves me. i dont know.

please help, i dont know what im feeling and im honestly contemplating just offing myself so i dont have to deal with my fucking feelings. i want a dick real bad guys.

maybe not in a trans way?