My version - a sequence of events for my own sanity
- Yes we weren't perfect - I'm the first to admit this. We talked about date nights - but we didn't commit to them as we should have.
- We focused on renovating the house - the pressure of this being more for you than me as you worked 100% from home - I know and knew this - told everyone how aware I was and proud. I did my best within my own working hours too to carry the load - often many late nights up to my neck in it. Not keeping score but I did contribute as best I could within my own framework
- We took this project on together with eyes as open as we could manage - no fault or blame. Conscious decisions all the way and together, even in the times of stress. Even when I asked if we should just sell up and get an apartment you insisted we carry on - the thought of that was anathema to you. So we carried on
- You bore the burden of the project manager in our dynamic - but you wouldn't have it any other way either. Never a meal I could cook that you would barge in and make it better - so you did most of that too. We joked about your need for control - even if we danced you insisted to lead, challenging my manhood with a smile.
- My Dad got sick and I had to be away more and more - this was hard for us both. You admitted you resented him for getting sick which was irrational - but so was I - I was and am still angry he didn't manage his affairs better and left me in a bind. Your father did the same before he passed - I was there for you in it all. You got frustrated that you were not being listened to in the events before and after his death - for this at least you have apologised, though I had to drag it from you.
- You admitted that had he not gotten sick and passed this year, you would have pulled the trigger on the divorce sooner - this was a shock, in a series of shocks.
- You have been an amazing supporter of my own adventurous lifestyle in the outdoors - something I always thanked and praised you for You were proud of being that supportive person. But recently you would remind me that "I didn't know how good I had it" and that you could easily insist that I not go away to the mountains. At the time I didn't see this as discontent - now I do.
- You joined me in these trips initially - indeed a driving force in them - but then you lost interest and didn't want to, and you wouldn't be forced or encouraged. Indeed, gentle encouragement in a positive manner I now understand you see as manipulation. You would rather quit it all and never look at it again than be encouraged to continue. This was a pattern I knew about but didn't take as seriously as I should have.
- We married - I proposed - and you were game - as best as I can recall - winkingly assisting me in a ring choice through a friend who i was in contact with. Now that I remember it, you have fallen out with this person over a perceived slight, and no desire to rekindle with her - this you have done more than once with other past friendships - cut them away without a second thought. You have barely any now.
- In your asking me for a divorce you now say you didn't really want to marry - that you did it because I wanted to - I am so irreparably burned by this. Knowing what you know about me, that I had a failed proposal in my past, that you still accepted mine with what I remember to be a full heart killed something in me.
- I am now staying with your mother and grandfather as you do not wish to "deal with them" in their love and questioning about your state. You are happy enough to stay in the house, going out, getting yourself dolled up, telling our mutual friends and neighbours that the decision was "mutual" - to save face. I know why you do this - I see now that you cannot be brought to task for your own decisions. It was rarely "I am sorry for hurting your feeling" but "I am sorry you got your feelings hurt". Not always, but something I never heard anyone else ever say.
- You said on several occasions - "I'm rarely wrong on things" - this you are continuing to hold to.
- You don't know that I think this way right now - I am keeping a facade until I can buy you out of the house and get you away from me for a time. I still want you in my life, but I do not know how yet.
- We have a connection after all of this - our dogs. You are happy to take one, the one you prefer, and discard the other with me. I know this - and that you can continue to work from home makes this an easy decision. I on the other hand have no idea how to manage this with an office job and commute. If I decide to give her away, which will crush me all over again, you will no doubt blame me for not "standing up and taking responsibility". And yet, when your first dog who you had since your teenage years passed away, I was there to take care and be there when she was put down - you "couldn't handle it". I never blamed you for this - maybe I should have. You carry this as a wound I know - the same as your fathers' passing, and falling out of love with me. Unexamined.
- We went in to this with both eyes open - but my eyes were closed to your difficulties - that you felt you needed to walk away from it all I was not aware of, no matter what you tell everyone. So now you are discarding me. I am hurt - I am angry - I cannot vent as you will otherwise hurt me - I rarely raised my voice to you.
- A common phrase you used - "you hit those you love" - I never felt ok with this sentiment - you carry with you deep unexamined scars from childhood that you know you should take care to expose and fix, but you won't. I cannot help you anymore.
- There is more - I am worn out - sorry for spilling my thoughts here - this was more a cathartic act.
Posted Nov 10, 2025, 12:11 PM UTC
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