I'm so mad at myself

I've been clean for so fucking long. My scars were white and faded. The last time I self harmed was four years ago. Four years clean and I broke it all because I couldn't cry. I've been so fucking numb. My grandpa is developing Alzheimer's and that shit has been so painful and I haven't been able to cry about that or address any of the emotions related. My therapist just retired. I had my last session with her last week and I thought I had grown and healed so much because I didn't even cry when we said goodbye. So much for growth and healing. Guess she was the only thing keeping me clean. Now that I don't have her I have no one to stay clean for. It's fucked up to feel that way I know but I have to have at least one person in my life holding me accountable and I won't allow it to be my family, friends, or girlfriend as that's unfair to them.

My therapist recommended me a new therapist who I've tried to get in touch with but still haven't heard back from. I'm so fucking mad. I thought I grew so much turns out I just had a delayed reaction. I needed to cry so bad I tried everything. I had to break the seal on my tears and cutting it open with force was the only way I could. I'm so mad but at the same time I feel absolutely nothing at all. It's honestly kind of comforting to see fresh blood and feel that hot searing stinging pain again. Like reuniting with an old friend after years apart.

How fucked up is that that I feel that way. It's fucking ridiculous. I shouldn't feel that way. All I should feel is guilt, anger, and self hatred I shouldn't be comforted by this yet it makes me feel better in some twisted way. I regret it but at the same time I don't. I don't know how to explain it. I'm angry at myself but I'm glad I did it. I hate that this is what it came to. I hate that I thought I made so much progress but it turns out that my therapist was the only thing keeping me from doing this shit. I'm fucking pathetic.