I’m the villain in the story and my own sister is on my husband’s side

I (35f) have been with my husband (42m) for 15 years. It isn’t a perfect relationship but we do love each other. We have our fights and disagreements.

Yesterday, he was talking with my sister and threw me under the bus by stating that I force him to go to church. That I will bring up divorce if he doesn’t come with me. So now my sister thinks I’m a horrible person and I don’t have it in me to defend myself because then it will look like I’m a narcissist. (My mother is one). There is so much I have never said to my sister or anyone as I never want to put my husband in a bad light. My family can be very judgy.

So I’m putting this out as to defend myself and to continue to let them think I’m the villain. I don’t think I’ll change anyone’s mind and that’s okay. I’ll let it be.

Background: His dad was abusive, physically and verbally, and he has done his absolute best to not be like him. I am a person who wants to resolve things immediately thereafter a fight. He is one that needs the time to be alone, reset, get his emotions in order. I learned that you don’t walk away from an argument, you work it out till the end till it’s resolved. He needs to be able to walk away. I did not understand nor knew this.

Things that I have never told another soul:

In our first year he had a 6-month long emotional affair with someone across the country. He never told me about it, I found it and confronted it. He continued it and tried to hide it more and I fought him with about it and he finally gave it up. (Yes this should have been when I left…but I stay)

Around year 3 of our marriage we have an argument and as I was wanting to resolving it he got up and walked away and I followed to still have the conversation as we weren’t done. He got angry and hit me. He apologized profusely as he doesn’t want to be like his dad but I just had pushed him. I learned my lesson.

Year 7-ish to now he has changed his mind on our religion, I don’t blame him so have I but I still go to church because I love God. He refuses to hear what I think and believe and my struggles with our religion but he’s so adamant that it is only him having those thoughts. He brought up divorce several times during this time and I said okay, get the papers. He never did.

Year 10, I found out that he’s been watching porn, masturbating, and commenting on other people’s NSFW posts. It’s been going on for years. Our sex is non-existent. We fight again. I go see a lawyer and get the papers drawn. He refuses to sign them and put them in the trash. I thought that was what he wanted. But he wants to work on things.

Present day (year 15). Things are still bad, but we are still together, for some reason. We still love each other so much and neither of us want to get a divorce. But we are bad for each other. How can he say they love me when on a weekly basis he does something that hurts me. (i.e. the masturbation). We haven’t had sex in 3 years.

Now fast forward to yesterday, he tells my sister that I am the one throwing the divorce card - he literally brought up first, and that I force him to go to church. When in reality I get up each Sunday and get ready and he does too. I don’t wake him, I don’t ask him, I don’t force him, he gets up and goes. I do the music each Sunday that’s why I still go.

So Reddit am I the villain? I know there are two sides to a story, but my sister knows none of these things and I’ll probably never tell her because I don’t ever want to talk bad about my husband to my family.

TL;DR Husband tells my sister that I’m controlling and force him to go to church and if he doesn’t then I play the divorce card. Yet I never once told all the things he’s done (hit, cheated, and he was the first to bring up divorce) to her. I’ll probably never will because I don’t want them to see that side of him.