IDL being woken up by an alarm just to go to work, I’ve forgotten what life is supposed to feel like

Every morning at 6:30, my alarm drags me out of bed. I don’t wake up because I’m excited to live my life, I wake up so I won’t be late, won’t lose money, won’t fall behind on bills. I brush my teeth, catch the train, stare at a screen for eight hours, then go home just to shower and pass out. Then it repeats.

At some point, I realized I can no longer remember what life is supposed to feel like, not life defined by productivity, deadlines, rent, and survival, but life defined by actually living. I’m not chasing a dream; I’m just maintaining my biological existence so I don’t fall apart. And that realization scares me. If my entire purpose is to wake up to an alarm and work until I’m allowed to sleep again… then what is the meaning of being alive at all?