Dear Gamma Charlie,

Another letter you won’t read. If you’re even on this site, you’re probably in STEM, auDHD, and / or TWD threads.

Something occurred to me today: love is not supposed to feel like this. I feel a lot of things when I think of you, but one of the most prominent feelings is confusion.

Maybe none of it was real. And I have to accept that reality.

One of the things that was especially confusing was how you would compare me to A—our matching comforters, how you wanted to read him the same novels that you were reading to me… it accumulated and was added to the list of things that I didn’t understand.

Love is not supposed to feel like this.

I know I already told you that I want you to be happy, but I never asked myself if you wanted me to be happy too.

Whenever it is that I date (who knows when that will be? I know that I’m done with romantic partnerships while I’m processing all of this), I do not want to feel confused. I want to feel comfortable, comforted, and challenged in the right ways. No more confusion.

How you treated me wasn’t fair. But, life isn’t fair. Life is often hard, unfair, and complicated.

Being off of Instagram has made it easier. I’m not deciphering those little green lights anymore.

You always said that you valued direct communication, but you never told me how you felt about me. Sometimes, you do this thing where you unintentionally get on a moral superiority high horse (it’s fair, you have a lot of lore and you’re human) and you don’t realize that you also have gaps in communication. You’re direct about a lot of things, but you never told me where we stood.

That night. That night that I told you “you don’t feel that way about me, it’s too confusing for me.”

Why didn’t you say anything? Was I wrong?

You left so quickly after the words escaped my mouth.

Love is not supposed to feel like this.

Whenever it is that we talk again, I will not to read into things. And I’m sorry for misinterpreting things if I did. But, since I’ll never know what you were feeling in those moments, I’ll never know if I was misinterpreting your actions.

Despite it all, I do see you as a brother (in a trans “you understand” way, not in a literal sibling sense) and a comrade. That is something that will never change.

This ache. This ache inside of me will fade.

I spent so much time wondering how you felt… the confusion loops racing in my head, catalyzing emotional whiplash that made me forget: love is not supposed to feel like this.

So, into collages, writings, and pieces you’ll go. Again, I do not ever use your name. I had two albums and a music video published about me from D. That breakup made me learn a lot, but it especially made me realize what I wouldn’t do to someone else.

I don’t know if this will be the last letter. But, I do know that this is helping. You were right when you said that closure doesn’t exist.

So, I’m giving myself closure. Releasing the questions that will remain unanswered and the bittersweet pain within my memories.

I have to accept that you may never tell me how you feel. I have to accept that you may never apologize for hurting me. I have to accept that for whatever reason, our paths crossed and our stories became temporarily intertwined. I have to accept that our stories were left unfinished and without explanation.

The book slammed shut. Without a proper ending, conclusion, or plot twist that resulted in a long-awaited resolution.

I suppose, it is time for us to be in a different story together. A story of brothers, comrades, and friends.

Maybe. Just maybe.

-someone who is giving himself closure by writing these