Heavy hearted after losing soul dog

The way my heart hurts… it’s indescribable. My 4 year old Yorkshire terrier was hit by a car on Friday. We let our big dogs into the house and my partner said he couldn’t find our yorkie. I got up since she never runs, never escapes, always stays with her big dogs. As soon as he said that, I got up with him to go look for her. As we are walking outside, our neighbor is running down our driveway and that is when I saw my poor baby in the road. My partner tried to tell me to go inside but I ran into the middle of the road to pick her up. She was unresponsive but her heart was still beating as it had just happened. I picked her up thinking she still had a heartbeat and we can take her to the vet. As soon as I’m back in our driveway her small perfect little body went limp in my arms. I couldn’t look at her at first because I knew as soon as I did the harsh reality would set in. The screaming and tears started. I held her for so long until my partner came to take her from me because he knew how traumatized I was holding her and looking at her. She was my little heartbeat, followed me everywhere, fiercely loyal, all the unconditional love.

I am having the most difficult time processing this loss and feel guilty to my other dog and son. My 2 year old son keeps asking where did she go? He loved that dog and she loved him.

My lab has been trying to comfort me as best as she can. She’s 13 and slowing down. She feels the loss too, I can sense it. I know she passed the “take care of mom torch” to our yorkie this year. Those two girls were the bestest of friends to ever exist. I’ve been preparing for my lab to cross the rainbow bridge soon. Never in a million years would I have thought I’d lose my little girl before my lab.

I can’t stop crying and feel so guilty I had to go to my dad’s house because I was stressing out my son with my constant scream cries. I can’t be at the house where it happened, look down the driveway, or bring myself to compartmentalize her death. I feel so ashamed about everything and am going through every scenario as to why she escaped or ran into the road or if I had gone looking for her 10 minutes sooner.

The loss is affecting me severely. I am having a hard time eating (barely have had a plate of food since Friday). I know I’m an adult and life goes on but it’s hard imagining life continuing without my little girl. I feel robbed of time we still should have had together. I’ve experienced so many human losses (friends, mother, grandparents) but I feel guilty for saying this loss has traumatized me immensely. I have never cried or had an issue composing myself around death until this loss.

Prior to the accident, I was thinking about getting another dog near the new year as my black lab will be leaving me soon and I wanted my yorkie to have a friend. Now I know I’ll likely lose both of my girls within the year. My heart is heavy.

(Sorry if some paragraphs are jumbled or repetitive)