So this was 3 month ago, I originally posted on r/insaneparents but they didn't allow translation (it's half french half english, I've translated the french parts if you scroll) and my post got deleted. I've now found this sub and I've been thinking of re-posting this here to get support for a minute now. Tho if for any raison it get taken down (like it's too complicated to follow) then it's alright. I'm 19 now btw. I'm not tagging it as a vent cause rn I'm fine, it's more that I want people to tell me what they think of the situation and have a discussion about it. Does anyone relate?

BUT if you're reading please know at the moment I wrote this it was very much a vent!! So keep yourself safe and don't read it if strong emotions, mention of violence and lost are triggering!

This whole thing here is exactly what I wrote in the og post from 3 months ago, I only fixed like 3 mistakes in spelling i noticed. With my emotions and the translation! (If anything need to be changed for the post to be allowed to be seen I'm also willing to do it btw.)

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I (M18) have had a fight with my mom after my brother (not like a big rolling down the stairs kinda fall, I just falled back, thanks the stairs.) pushed me down the stairs. He's autistic and mentally closer to a 3 years old. I recorded the whole thing, but it's all in French (one of the reasons i don't reallt wanna show it). So instead I just post the reaction of my friends to the audio. I also included the translation of the French texts and gave some context that you wouldn't have without the audio.

If you got questions or want clarifications feel free to ask.

Translation of the French Parts (Color Coded):

Me: "it's not right/good Laurent" (Laurent is my brother)

💛: optn = oh putain = oh fuck

💖: "You will be his person of reference" like she, as his person of reference, wasn't getting hurt by him too (in the audio my mom said that when she won't be there to take care of him, he will see me as this. Even if she keep saying he seem as an equal and doesn't understand me trying to be the bigger person, I told her it wasn't logical he would suddenly see me like this for this very raison. She seem persuaded he will.)

💛: "I can make a mistake/I can be wrong" (in the audio she mentioned how she try to help when there is a problem but I reminded her that last time she told me to make him come to me saying he was gonna apologize but I screamed that he wasn't. He was still clearly mad. And he ended up hurting me again.)

💖: come on your kid is terrified and in tears and your response is "Don't put sobs in your voice" (cause i was crying the whole time, as this conversation happened less then 20 minutes after he pushed me and I felt helpless in this whole situation) + she isn't listening to you + she isn't gonna admit she's in the wrong + she know perfectly everything you say + she just don't care/doesn't give a fuck, she doesn't wanna admit the truth + there's no use trying to explain, she doesn't want to open her eyes + "yes but..." is 99% of her reasoning

💛: it's not because it's not all the time that's it's to be neglected

💖: you said it

💛: "we don't know how to take care of him"

(For the kiss part: at the end of the fight and the audio, she goes silent and she was starting to weirdly smile. I said "what?" And she started to ask for a kiss, again and again. I have theories on why she does that (cause it's not the first time) but it's just so weird.)

💖: she's insisting too much + "one day you won't be able to" (my mom said that when I keep refusing her kisses. Which make me feel awful. Like a part of me YEARN to be affectionate with her, I really fucking do. But I can't when she doesn't let me say no, when she keep pulling horrible shit like this. She my only parent left, I WANT A MOM. I FUCKING WANT A MOM. But not like this. I want a mom where i don't pray she won't be in the kitchen when I enter it, i want a mom i actually feel comfortable hugging.) + there is no way she said maybe surely + it's not surely, (it is) CERTAINLY + like litteraly if you change the context + my husband is violent but it's not all the time + everyone would tell say leave him + donc = so + going with feelings/free style with him is not possible

(The whole having come out of her part: in the beginning she try to touch my arms (which she know I don't like) and I keep saying no and she keep insisting. Her argument is that I came out of her so she can touch me.)

There is also about like 5 more screenshots I could put due to the restrictions, but it was mainly 💖 talking about how my mom affected me and my brother relationship. The only things really notable thing is that I said my brother isn't inherently violent, at least I'm partially sure (even if he always acted violently for as long as i can remember), that he just saw that being violent worked and there wasn't consequences (+ the meltdowns that get violent, I don't think they're malicious, he just has no control over his emotions, but it's still dangerous) + the fact I hated how she said there was nothing to cry about, seem to think me sobbing was a manipulation technique and asked WHY I was crying.

💖 responded with this: "There is (something to cry about), but acknowledging that means bursting the normalised bubble she's made. If his behaviour is worth crying about, it means it's wrong, it's not normal. If it's not normal, this brings her back to her guilt for the very situation. Therefore: this is not worth to cry about and everything is fine"

I'm exhausted. I feel half like an asshole and half like I'm in the right. I know she's hurting too, that she feel awful about bringing him into this world and having raised him to be this... but she's also trying to push it on me. And she's putting everyone in danger, me, him, her and other around us. She said he hurt me cause I speaker strongly... that we need to speak gently to him. But that doesn't do shit. It NEVER DID. He just get away with everything. Now I feel like it's my fault I got hurt and scared. And yeah okay, maybe it was the bad way to go about it. But the "right" way doesn't do anything. And everything else me and my friends say still stand.

I just want a normal family, whatever is left of it, but i got this mess. Now it's nearly 6 am and I'm crying cause I want my dad back and I want my mom to be better. And a part of me feel guilty

...

I feel like some of my emotions have changed now. Mainly that I'm not so sure there isn't any malice in my brother. It does feel like there is but in reality there probably not. Idk. Also Don't worry I'm living on my own for college now, so the level of danger and risk when down by a lot. I've had on multiple post been told my mom is narcissistic but idk... I know comparing trauma is not a good thing but she just doesn't seem bad enough to be considered that. She's not the best mom or person, im aware of that. Idk maybe I'm trying too hard to see stuff her way and this lead to me minimizing my own shit. I mean I've had someone told me my brother seem like a sociopath but he has show to be capable of empathy, it was something I used 1 or 2 times even to stop him from hurting me, cause he stopped when I faked crying (and when I do for real.)

So sorry it's all probably very confusing x0

Throw back to when I had a fight about my brother (after he hurted me) with my mom