I feel like a monster and I dont know how to change.

TW: drug abuse, suicide, brief mention of sexual assault

I'm a drug addict in recovery. Im working the 12 step program and I'm on step 4. Doing my inventory now, Im realizing how sex is an addiction of mine as well. I never thought it was before, but after learning all about how addiction works, how it manifests, I can no longer doubt it. And I feel too ashamed to talk about it with my sponsors, or even with my partner. Maybe especially my partner.

I thought I was just a relatively hypersexual, sex-positive kind of person, and that can still be true but there are too many underlying issues around it that I cant ignore anymore. Especially since I am a drug addict. My addiction seeps its way into so many aspects of my life, of course it would manifest in my relationship with sex and intimacy.

I also have an issue with codependency, which naturally plays into my perspective on sexual intimacy as well. Sex was the only way for me to feel loved, and when i didnt get it, id lash out because the rejection made me feel like i wasnt worth anything. It fucked with so many of my girlfriends' heads. I coerced and took advantage of them so many times because of this desperate need to feel worthy of love. Some of them expressed exactly that, that they felt taken advantage of. One of my first girlfriends in high school faced the worst of it. Id guilt trip her into taking things further sexually, and I'd venture to say that some of the things I did to her would even be considered sexual assault. I fucking hate myself so much for doing all that shit.

That high school girlfriend and I reconciled and I was able to apologize, explain what Ive been able to work on in terms of my codependent habits, and we've become good friends today. It certainly helps that it was such a long time ago. We were teenagers. But I cant expect that same forgiveness from all the girls I casually hooked up with in the past. I was such a sleazebag. Id say or do anything to get in their pants and then ghost them. This was the same time my drug addiction got really bad, so I was doing all sorts of awful shit to others and myself.

Then, I hit my rock bottom. I was deep in the throes of my drug addiction and in a horribly abusive relationship. I tried to kill myself. Im lucky my family and friends still cared enough about me to intervene. I joined a rehab program and dropped out of college and left that toxic relationship to work on myself. In this time of trying to recover I found my current partner. Shes the best thing thats ever happened to me, weve been together 7 years now. She supports me through all this shit and sets me straight when I need it. Im also happy to say that after years of therapy Ive been able to gain some control over my toxic habits around sex. Emphasis on "some," though. Im stable enough to have not made her too uncomfortable with things around sex, but since working on my recovery, my whole relationship with physical intimacy has been turned upside down.

There are long stretches of time (months!) where i didnt want to have any sort of sex because of how depressed i was. And she doesmt have much of a sex drive, so this didnt bother her too much, though of course she was concerned about the general state of my mental health. This past year has been hard on us, and neither of us have had much desire to have sex with each other. We had a lot of other stuff we each needed to focus on. I had a massive relapse on drugs and ended up in the psychiatric ward because of it. Im now sober from drugs for 118 days and working the program.

But now, maybe since I dont have drugs to feed my addiction, Im having a lot of really unhealthy thoughts and habits around sex. I compulsively masturbate and consume erotic literature. Sometimes I even think that I wish my partner would let me sleep with someone casually just to get it out of my system. Ive never and will never cheat on her, but it really troubles me that I even have these thoughts; that I want to sleep with someone else. Not a specific person either, just anyone. This is partly because shes still having trouble feeling a desire to have sex with me, but I also really dont want to sleep with her either. Its complicated because its not because im not attracted to her--its because I feel like a monster. Like Im going to hurt her because im not fucking normal about sex. I think that if i slept with someone else, a one night stand, someone who would also see it as a "transactional" thing, then it wouldnt matter for me to let this side of myself out to them. But I love my partner so much and she is a good person and I dont want to ruin this.

Rationally speaking I also know that sleeping with someone else to "scratch the itch" is just enabling my addiction and wont fix anything. Its terrible because aside from the sex stuff our relationship has been so solid and healthy. Weve been able to overcome so much together. I feel like it will all go away if I open up about this side of myself. She doesnt know how often i masturbate and how I compulsively consume porn like this. She knows i love to read romance and erotic literature as a hobby but I know that Im crossing a line into something obsessive with these habits now. When I kiss her, I cant take it any further because I feel disgusted with myself. I feel like if I do so much as try to go to 2nd base I will break her, because I wont do it in a way that is normal and sexy and healthy. I will do it in a way that makes her uncomfortable. She will see I am a monster or a pervert or a predator. But at the same time most of my day is spent consumed by thoughts about sex. Its weird because i feel somehow so detached from my own body but i also cant stop thinking about such physical things.

I want to change but i dont know how to let go of this. Ive been compulsively masturbating and consistenly consuming some form of pornography since I was a pre-teen. I love romantic stories, its a huge part of my personality, but now i dont know how to keep this hobby without it enabling the unhealthy sexual stuff inside of me. I feel so broken and alone and disgusting. I wish the drugs were my only problem.

Sorry this post was so long. If anyone finished reading this, I really appreciate it. If you have any advice Id be really grateful. Either way it feels good to let this out somewhere. Thanks for letting me share.