even though i have changed for the better i still feel extreme guilt for my past and hate myself

A few months ago I (22F) was hit with the very unpleasant realisation that I had not been the person I always thought myself to be. I was severely abused and isolated by my parents well into adulthood, and without realising I began projecting all that abuse onto others. A lot of it was also undiagnosed BPD and a lack of self awareness about how awful I was to be around. Although I believe I have always had a good heart and always wanted to do the right thing, it didn't come out right. I was toxic, destructive,hurtful and explosive, oversensitive, played victim. Betrayed and cheated. Said and did awful things. Many of my loved ones distanced from me because of my actions.

After a turning point where I lost all my friends and almost everyone who loved me, it was like I finally woke up and became aware of the person I was. Following a period of facing myself and shattering any sense of self I previously had, I began working very hard on myself to heal my wounds and toxic behavioural patterns. Fast forward a couple months... now, I go to therapy weekly and started going to the gym almost every day. I greatly reduced vices like drinking, smoking and partying; instead of turning to escapism, I started forcing myself to feel my emotions, no matter how shitty they felt. I started taking my education and work seriously. I started surrounding myself with positive, stable people. I also apologised to those I did wrong and tried to salvage what relationships I could (though of course I couldn't save all of them).

I know that I have changed so much in a short span of time. I know that even the mere act of facing myself without making excuses is a big thing. I don't want to victimize myself. But the truth is that I hate myself deeply and drown in guilt and shame every day. I know logically there is no point in self-flagellation, but I can't control it -- my thoughts are automatic. I struggle to allow myself anything good. As silly as it sounds, I feel like I don't even deserve to go to the gym, like I don't deserve to feel or look good. I feel like I don't deserve anything good because of all the horrible things I did in the past.

Even though I have changed and am continuing to improve every day, I wonder -- is there even a point? I am constantly haunted by who I used to be. Even if I change, there will always be people out there who resent and hate me for who I used to be, who only know and remember me as the person who did and said horrible things. I feel terrified of letting new people close to me in case they reject me for my past. I don't trust when people say I am a good person or that I deserve kindness; I feel like they don't truly grasp how shitty I was and if they did, they wouldn't be saying any of this. Although I have many good friends and family that love me, honest to God I don't know what they see. I keep feeling like I'm lying to them or something.

I can't forgive myself. I know that ultimately, forgiveness of yourself comes with change. But I just can't forgive myself and I don't know what to do. I hate myself and wish I was dead tbh. Yes I might change but what's the point, it won't erase who I was and what I did to others.