I fucked up and ended up needing stitches (longgg vent)

Cw: description of depth of cut, blood, needles

About a week ago I relapsed after 2.5 years clean. I regret it so much because I forgot how addicting it can be and how easily things can get out of control. I started with a super old dull razor which resulted in very light styros with all the pressure I could muster, so when I got brand new ones I underestimated how deep of a cut they would make. It was deep beans. I’ve never had a bigger gash. At first I wasn’t that worried, but after 30 minutes of pressure I started to get anxious because I had work soon and I didn’t want to bleed through my pants. I ended up folding up a rag underneath my compression shorts and then putting jeans on top of that. I went to work and the first hour was fine, but the second I went to the bathroom it was a bloodbath. Taking the pressure off just made it start gushing so I had to hold the completely blood soaked rag to the cut while I frantically cleaned the blood off the toilet and floor. Mind you I work with clients IN THEIR HOMES. At this point I was panicking on another level, but I mustered up enough courage to go up to my client’s mom and say that I wasn’t feeling well. She was immediately very understanding as she’s aware I struggle with my mental health, but insisted on sending me home with food and some tea (she’ll do this often, we were close friends far before I started providing for the family). As much as I appreciated it, I had blood spattered on my sweatshirt and a growing bloodstain on my hip, so when she offered to have me go wait in the car while she made the tea I took her up without thinking twice. I tried declining but she wouldn’t take no for an answer and I needed to get out of there. When I got home my car seat was soaked in blood. Right when I opened the front door there was my dad, asking how I was. I immediately broke down crying, telling him I wasn’t okay and needed to go to the hospital or something. I’ve never been more humiliated in my life. My mom came out of her study to see me sobbing with a now prominent stain on my pants and was shocked. All I could say was “I’m sorry” over and over as she helped me pack some gauze we had into the wound and my dad looked up the nearest urgent care. Blood wouldn’t stop pouring from my hip, it was getting everywhere. All I could think about was how everyone in this situation would be better off if I were dead. I’m an adult now, yet here I am causing a disturbance and a medical bill and here they are still having to take care of me like some baby. Regardless, my dad took me to the urgent care while I held 3 or 4 rags to my hip. It was about a 5 minute drive and by the time we got there the first two were soaked. I was even more humiliated at this point; surrounded by strangers, covered in blood, holding rags to my ass, wondering if I was going to pass out from blood loss and how maybe that would make them hurry up and call my name. Finally, they did, and when the nurse saw the cut all she said was “oh god. I’m going to go get the provider”. That definitely didn’t help my anxiety, but when he came in I almost immediately felt a little better. He was so kind about the whole thing. When he was numbing the cut with a syringe, the lidocaine spreading throughout it was one of the most painful things I’ve experienced, so my leg started shaking. Bad. Even at this, he stayed calm and kind, asking if I was able to hold still. After that it was smooth sailing honestly other than the blood getting everywhere. Didn’t feel a damn thing. And you’d think that wouldn’t matter to me but I was already panicking and it was lowkey a relief to not have to deal with the pain on top of everything. He ended up having to do two sets of stitches: one in the fat layer and one to sew the epidermis up. I have to go back in 2 weeks to get the stitches removed.

I am still so extremely embarrassed that all this happened. I wish I never started cutting. I wish I wasn’t mentally ill so people didn’t have to deal with me like this.

Tl;dr- I underestimated a new blade, hit deep beans, bled all over a client’s bathroom, and had to get stitches as urgent care with my parents