Autistic(?) husbond is annoyed all the time.

Hi!

I am in my late thirties and married to a wonderful, interesting, and intelligent man. We have been a couple for 13 years and have three children aged 13, 8, and 5. We live in a suburb in our own house.

I am, all in all, happy: I have an engaging job, and I love my kids, my husband, and our living situation. My husband, however, is not. He is bored at his job, thinks our house is a burden, finds our kids annoying, and is overall unhappy. This distress is accompanied by heavy drinking: he consumes a bottle of wine 2-4 days a week, and can sometimes finish a whole bottle of whiskey, gin, or vodka in one evening if he is in the mood.

My main concern is his mood. I sense he feels we are in his way and obstructing his daily life. He actively avoids spending time with the children and is annoyed when they speak to him or ask him questions. He often withdraws, sitting in another room looking at his phone or playing PlayStation.

This has been an ongoing problem since we had the second child, and it has naturally worsened with the arrival of number three—although he was the one who pushed for another child (and still does!).

I have spoken to him about this many times, expressing concern for his mental well-being and the effect of his self-medicating (the drinking). I have suggested therapy, or going to the doctor to get diagnosed, and I have even suggested we get him an apartment where he could live on his own and visit us whenever he feels like it. He refuses all suggestions, but has agreed to look for another apartment. But I'm afraid that we don't get to see him at all, or that he just sinks deeper into this mess, without anybody knowing it.

It is relevant that all our kids are gifted, and one is diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome; we both suspect my husband shares the same traits.

I love him very dearly, and I know he loves us too, but he simply doesn't do well in this living situation we made for ourselves. I'm worried that he will drink himself to death, or someday kill himself. It is also so very hard for us. I am worried that the kids will suffer permanent harm from their unpredictable dad, who loves them but constantly keeps shushing and sighing at their mere presence.

So. What do we do? How do we get out of this mess? Are we alone in this problem, or has anybody surpassed something like this?