18M i have a kink that I’m ashamed of……

The kink is the cnc….I don’t know why but being manhandled and forced into doing something sounds so….. but I’m a virgin so i don’t think this being my first time would be the best because you know…. I’m tight….. honestly i feel ashamed of this because that’s so intense and i don’t know if I would be able to handle it all the way through….. i don’t have other kinks related to bdsm but that one is something that I’d like to try like an older man who just pinned me against his bed letting me no chance to get away from him or even scream out of pleasure:(. With a little bit of spanking just to make me cry and dirty talk from him….. Also, I’d like to dress fem while he’s doing his thing and wear a wig just to be as feminine as possible. Hopefully that’ll happen one day:(. I’m really into rough porn so it’s probably why I’d like that to happen to me. But as a virgin I’d like to start slowly but then I’d like to get drilled. I could crossdress and become the perfect sissy 🤭