I hate myself for what’s wrong with me

Hello everyone. Tonight was the second time it happened. Right after falling asleep I saw myself talking and starting to touch my partner without being awake.

I sometimes hallucinate voices when I wake up after not sleeping well or waking up in the wrong sleep phase or whatever and often times lose my pants while sleeping without remembering me pulling them down. So I figured it might be some sort of parasomnia,

My partner understandably feels very bad and used/abused. I struggle with depression and have always had my fair share of problems concerning rejection and have always felt incredibly bad if I did something bad. In the recent years it’s been triggering suicidal thoughts as well.

As I mentioned, it was the second time it ever happened, both times this year at my partner’s place.

I will have to seek out my GP, but it’s already closed for the weekend and now that I cannot do anything about it right away, I feel like I cannot breathe nor look at my partner at all.

I’ve read about where it comes from and it seems that I have always had problems with my sleep and stress and those two don’t really work together.

This has to end right away, I can’t face my partner and I don’t know what to do. I feel like adapting my sleep surroundings is way too feeble and that if just something is off it will happen again.