Relationship staring back at me.

This relationship makes me feel emotions I do not want to feel. I am constantly uncomfortable in a healthy relationship. I am comfortable 100%, I am safe with my partner but with every conversation, my emotions can heighten in a quick second if we talk about something I am not comfortable talking about (Example: sex, if he talks about another women, doesn't have to be sexual, my ear is waiting for something to sound wrong. List can go on.) I am constantly being reflected back my actions, my thoughts, my feelings. I can't run from my insecurities and I have to involve someone else in those insecurities. If I am insecure or comparing myself to someone specifically, I can't escape how fixated I am on this one person and how scared I am they are going to take my partner away. Then I eventually tell my partner and even though I'm happy to have shared my insecurity...IT DOESN'T GO AWAY!!! I feel light for the day, maybe even half a day and then it comes back. It's frustrating feeling like I have to continuously bring up this one specific insecurity and break open a part of my soul I reallllly don't want to break open again, but there it is. And with sharp teeth this time! I feel that it would be easier if my partner and I separated because I feel like a burden and I could finally stop thinking about everything that made me insecure in the relationship. I think of how confident I would be if I was single. That these women I compare myself too would be my good friends, that I could feel and be pretty as well right next to them, without comparison because I wouldn't have to think "I wonder who and what he's looking at?" then go down a spiraling rabbit hole of bad scenarios. I am in constant "hello, how's it going?" with myself when I don't want to check in, I want to check out!! Which makes sense why I became an alcoholic and am now finding myself addicted to marijuana. (I am doing a one year sober from alcohol journey this year. So far so good. Had a slip up in October but I'm back to being sober and going to finish it off strong these last couple of months.) I am constantly wanting to escape myself and my thoughts. They say to try mediation and journaling. In my mind, that seems exhausting and yet it's the one thing that will make me better.. I am going to start those. And also making an appointment to get my copper IUD out (it has been a horrendous experience) I can't live like this any longer.

I realized this became more of a journal entry. Thank you for taking the time to read my nonsense. <3