Girlfriend [23F] betrayed and broke my trust and I[25M] feel shattered and destroyed but want to give her a chance, would love some level headed opinions

Hey reddit,

TLDR; - She called and went to meet the one guy that i had a problem with. She came to see me the day after and then went out to a bar with her cousin and called him again. She kissed his neck but stopped when she realised that it's not me. He then went the whole night trying to make advances, touching her, groping her, grinding her. But after all of this, she still came back in cab till her place to drop her. She told me this in bits and pieces. First - saying that she just talked and very maturely, he loves someone else and she was sure of me only. Later she added that he tried to kiss her. Later then she again added that she kissed his neck first, and that he kissed hers. And how he tried to abuse her the whole time afterwards. And that she was under of influence of alcohol so this was not her at all. I feel shattered as I am already going through too much in my life, in a way this is a rant where i want to pour everything out.

If you want to read the full context, please read the below too, I really need some third person perspective on this.

We met more than 2 years back and I think we both fell for each other deeply. When everything was all butterflies, and I think we both were hiding that we liked each other romantically, she dropped a bomb that she was also talking to Chhuchhundar(name made up). I'll keep it short - I urged him to be clear first and take it slow, she went to talk to him but he coerced her to have sex, and she gave in, though they couldn't have it (I believe her on this).

She came back and i felt betrayed and told her that she should choose between Chhuchhundar and me as soon as possible. And she chose him. I went away, and cut contact. She came back in just 5 days and said that she regrets her decision and that she wanted me all along. We meet and voila! It was love.

I was cheated on twice before, and it had given me little trust issues. I told her this and let her know all of this has left me with a lot of insecurities. She was reassuring and deleted his contact and promised to never talk to him again. Though in between we still had small fights about him.

One fine day, one of her friends told me how she always wanted Chhuchhundar more than me but she put some brains in her head that she deserves me. She had later told me that she didn't want a relationship at all so being with him meant nothing, and being with me meant commitment.

But yes, my insecurities were peaking, that i was maybe a second option after all. And some days later, my old fling texted me, and we talked for 10 mins that we should meet. I never did, also I felt disgusted that i even thought of meeting her and decided that i will be better for her. She came to know this later, and got shattered. There was also the fact that i never clean my gallery and never go through it also, and she on the same day saw that in my hidden folders there was a semi nude of my ex.

We were never the same after that, she was always very distrustful towards me and we kept fighting where we both said mean things to each other but we always came back together and everything felt like getting better with time. She asked me to tell my parents about her and since she had also done the same, something i also wanted to. I took too much time to do that since I wanted to do it in person, but only time I go back to meet my parents is during Diwali which took 8 months. And the whole time, we kept having small fights.

Overall, things were ok after this. Until, she expressed how she still feels guilty that she has left Chhuchhundar twice now, once for me, and once for her ex 2 years ago, and that the guilt is eating her. We fought but decided that she can talk and maybe try to move on from this guilt. She texted - on 13th February, the date kinda bugged me so i told her, but we again fought. She kept talking normal things and it all made me go crazy and we started having small fights again. She realized this maybe and stopped talking.

Now again, a month later she had to make a video portfolio and Chhuchhundar being "the kind of professional video maker she wants" she made up plans to meet and make it without asking me first. I told her this was disrespectful that she did that, and we again fought. She cancelled her plans and went ahead with some other guy, which made a good video that finally got her hired in two places but not the studio she wanted. She gave me guilt of not letting her make it with Chhuchhundar in between.

Time passed, and everything again was going back to normal. But i was very doubtful of this relationship and was losing feelings about this very thing but I never told her. I wanted to breakup but apart from this issue, she had been the best gf I can ask for. I wrote a letter trying to exaggerate her all bad qualities(that doesn't bother me that much) but i wanted some reason to actually breakup so I wrote them.

I tried breaking up but I just loved her and can't leave so I came back. But... she read the letter later because i couldn't throw it on time. And was broken that I could write such mean things about her.

I got diagnosed of cancer and HIV, but we took time, talked about everything and promised that we will be together. Apart from some small arguments everything again was good. She was there for all the important things, but i didn't want her to do so much and take care of herself too, so I started going to hospital with my mom who came to live with me. She also had gotten into a new job that was stressful. Later, things got more better when she left the stressful job and got to a place that treats her well. Things were going normal and good.

Now again coming back, this Saturday - she went to meet Aryan(made up name), her college friend. I was at home, since i can't go out much due to my condition. She came home late but i tracked her to make sure she's safe. She came to me next day and we talked normally but i felt something was off. She again went to meet her cousin, DaalDhokli(made up name). I again, tracked her till one point to make sure she's safe but slept in between because of my medications.

She calls me reaching home, and tells me -

First iteration - She blames me that i never forgives him the way she forgives me, on further pushing she tells how she met Chhuchhundar after she met Aryan and also while she was DaalDhokli today too. Nothing had happened, and they only talked and that she wanted to have some sanity. She had the most honest conversation and that she deserved this. She says but now she's more sure than ever that she wants to be with me.

I was shattered but believed her, went to her and tried to make peace with that.

Second iteration - I wanted to gift her a payal that was expensive, to mark a new beginning, She breaks down and tells she wanted to tell something from the morning, how he tried to kiss him, but she had pushed him away.

We went in her car, and i asked her to promise this is all, because cheaters are always like this and this has happened before that girls have kept adding more problematic things later and hurt me. I asked her to swear on my life, that there's nothing she took my hand and said yes (She later claimed that she just took my hand but said nothing).

She went home, and I expressed how deeply hurt I was. And how disrespected I feel.

Third Iteration - She adds how actually she met Chhuchhundar before Aryan too, and Chhuchhundar came while Aryan was leaving. They met in the parking lot but only talked about the closure they needed and how they were doing in life. They hugged before they left.
Now this DaalDhokli heard how on and off we are, and that she met Chhuchhundar yesterday. She urged her to explore since she's so young. She called Chhuchhundar again, and then everything happened - she kissed his neck while drunk, he kissed her neck and how DaalDhokli kept urging to do things with him but she avoided. He tried his best, put her hand on his dick, kissed her directly which she pushed back, and grinded on her ass while she was taking drinks.

The things that hurts me most are that after everything she never stopped this, she also allowed him to come with her in cab too, where he again laid on her lap and tried to bite on her boobs. She says this is when guilt hit her. But yes, she let things happen and put her out there to cheat.

So yes, this is it. It's all too complicated and I have no one irl that i can talk these things about. I again want to iterate she is the most perfect partner aside from these things and that she has been loving and caring selflessly. But this is throwing me off, and i am deeply hurt.