I hate that people think I don’t like them

Sometimes people will try to be my friend and part of me wants to be their friend but another part of me also knows that it’s very difficult. I recently went on a school trip with classmates and they got to see my social burnout (I’m already shy and awkward as it is, so seeing me shut down even more probably looked like dislike in their eyes). Now things feel even more awkward.

I have friends but I made these friends when I was a young kid. Now, trying to make friends feels like trying to complete a 1000 piece puzzle without knowing what the picture is supposed to look like. And what makes it worse is that sometimes I find it easier to be more myself with certain people, so when people see me being more friendly with someone else but more closed off around them it probably looks bad. People always tell me “I thought you hated me at first”. It sucks cause I feel like I have a big heart but I don’t know how to share it with people. It is what it is but damn it’s frustrating.