I F 15 still can't move on from my ex M 15 PART 1.

THIS IS THE BACKSTORY. Hi so basically a year ago I was into this guy who used to sit beside me in class, he was smart weird and uk just radiant. He was very attractive. I only noticed him ever once we sat together before that I never knew about him. So I really liked him a lot in October but I was in a relationship in October which lasted 3 days and moving on was easy bcz of this guy. It feels wrong to admit but it was easy. So there was this one time where we had this awkward moment at the library where a bunch of friends were playing Truth or dare. It was my chance and I had to do kiss marry kill and my partner was one of the choices and obviously I couldn't just randomly admit that I liked him. He laughed and told me to put him under kill and he smiled at me awkwardly and that's when I actually fell for him. The next week I planned this entire hang out to ask him out in December. Bunch of friends would be going to a mall and yeah it was perfect. A few weeks later, the teacher informed me to let this guy from my class know abt smth important. He had this bestfriend in my class and I told him that he shld tell the guy abt the stuff miss wanted him to know. But instead of him agreeing to that, he gave me his number and told me to talk to him myself. It was weird cause I didn't even know the guy. So I called him and yea we basically became friends.

Back story: My parents are getting divorced, my dad cheated with another woman I hate her a lot. I kind of have trauma from that.

so basically there was this one night and he admitted having feelings for me. It was 2 am and my parents were fighting and I was genuinely exhausted so I said same. I told him the truth the next day abt me liking my partner and he said ok. But deep down I felt like my partner would never like me for who I was and this guy was much better. So I made a decision to talk to him at school and ask him out. But the day I planned to, he told my partner I liked him. So it complicated everything. My partner liked me back somehow but he called me a slur before actually admitting it. We got together but I still thought abt the other guy sometimes bcz this guy used to ignore me till 10 pm or 11 pm and then apologise for not being able to text me. He was very practical like we won't last after 10th, you'll forget about me Blah blah thats not how relationship works stuff. He told me he had ptsd and depression but didn't tell much. It bothered me a lot and I used to ask his friends about what I should do and how he felt and whether I should break up or not and it started driving me crazy. So basically um we broke up after Christmas vacation because of a friend that told him that he'll get distracted because of me. Wow. I didn't let him go. We continued talking for about 2 months, I found out he called me a bitch and all after we broke up even though it was his decision and he just blocked me without even telling me. I found out through his friends that we broke up lmao. In Feb, I tried getting with him and he wanted me to do push-ups cause God knows. He wanted me to do 3 to get back together. but I was lazy but I actually tried but deep down it was weird how he was mKing me do it. I found out his parents were divorced too the PTSD and depression was kind of making sense now. So I brought it up and put an end to it Nd made him decide by my birthday. We got together again in March this time better than before, he came to my bday met my parents. He was super nervous I had to beg him for weeks to come to my birthday. He got me kinderjoys and chocolate but he "forgot" the chocolate and ate it the next week with his friends behind my back. It really hurt me a lot. I started bringing up questions about why he broke up before and stuff like that from the previous try. In class we used to sit together too, he sat behind me most of the time. I used to make him old hands under the desk and idk uk just be there. In April I found out he talked shit about me to his friend and called me ugly and stuff like that. I got really hurt and he was like just forget about it pls and blah blah. I didn't forget about it. I let it go and made him promise me. In may we went out to plant trees together for 2 weeks and had fun, we stayed back a couple of times and enjoyed. We planned to make out at this upcoming 3 day trip and he wanted me to do pushups AGAIN. I told him ok but towards the end of May I said no because it wasn't ok. He was like I just wanted u to do it for fun and yeah. whatever. The three day trip came we all were excited he was going to sit with me but his friend took him away but he sat infront of me. I played with his hair the entire time and everyone found out about us. I got ready and dressed up to be with him. He didn't want to sit with me like randomly I asked him to be with me and he's like no. So I forced him to sit with me. We held hands and he had that awkward smile from the library. I asked him to kiss me on my hand then my cheek and then my lips and it was AWKWARD like wtf is kissing. But I loved it. I don't want to go into the details and all so. Yup. We kissed and yeah had fun. It was the only time I genuinely felt loved and connected to him. School started eventually, exams came up. During exams I sent him explicit pics and um yeah. He got distracted. We made out at school and a bday party in the parking lot. He still had a mean look on his face. The teacher found out about us and she questioned me but I denied and I broke down infront of my friend and we almost broke up because he wasnt there for me. We became intimate and all but never went far far like nothing more than making out. But I felt his dih and um I don't even want to think about it. So later on oh yea we also hugged obviously. Later on we got our results and I usually am top 3. I was atleast last year but this year I dropped down by 30% of my grades. And I was genuinely sad cause all teachers were backlashing me. Soon he started cutting himself and he thought it was fun but ik it was because of something he wasn't telling me. I told him I'd do it too if he didn't stop and I ended up doing it and he'd beg me to not and I'd do the same to him. I counted the number of cuts small big whatever on his arm and there were more than 50+. It completely destroyed me seeing him like that. Im supposed to take care of him Im supposed to be there for him and if he was doing that to himself while being with me wtf was I even there for?!! He eventually stopped. I felt like I needed a break from the relationship and stuff because My grades were horrible and my parents knew about him and they'd curse at him at home and it would hurt me.