DB 6 years

I (HLM 44) and partner (LLF 41) have been together for 21 years - we have 2 kids (18 and 15). As the subject states, we have had zero sex in 6 years. And when I say zero, I mean absolutely no sexual contact whatsoever. We don’t even make out. We kiss and cuddle, but she’s just not interested in sex.

For context, prior to this period of hell (as I like to refer to it), we had fairly regular sex. Not every day, but at least twice a week - so it’s not as though things have always been this way.

Whenever I’ve tried to discuss it in the past, she’s said things like “it’s not a priority,” and “it doesn’t always have to be about sex.” I’ve stopped initiating completely due the relentless rejections, and until about a week ago, haven’t brought the subject up for around 3 years or so.

So, I broached the subject last week - determined to try and get at the truth. It was a calm, somewhat productive discussion in which I asked a number of things: 1. Is she not attracted to me anymore; 2. Am I shit in bed; 3. Is there something I could do to help get her in the mood; 4. Are we ever likely to have sex again?

She told me that attraction isn’t the issue; she enjoyed it in the past, and that no, she doesn’t think there’s anything more I could do. She said she just doesn’t have any interest in it, that people’s sex drives change, and that it’s nothing to do with me specifically. She rounded this off by saying it’s unlikely we’ll have sex again.

I’m left with a number of issues following this discussion. Firstly, I seem to be going through an ultra-horny phase at the moment, where the only thing I can think about is sex. So being told it’s not on the table in any way is beyond depressing. Secondly, I don’t entirely believe her when she said it’s not about me specifically. For instance, if we split up tomorrow and she found a new man, I bet she’d have sex willingly enough.

I’m honestly at my wits end. Following this discussion, I’ve started pulling away. I’m not engaged as much in the conversations we have; not really that bothered if she goes somewhere without me or not, and generally just feeling a bit apathetic towards the relationship in general.

I welcome any advice and/or similar vents from people experiencing the same thing.