I (26F) feel sexually disconnected from my partner (30M). Is this a dealbreaker?

Hi guys, I really need some help/advice.

I love my current partner deeply. We’re incredibly compatible in almost every area except sex. Emotionally, we’re strong. Communication is great. We share values, goals, and we’re mentally in sync. Honestly, I could list a hundred things I adore about him — he’s genuinely someone I see a future with.

But sexually… I’m struggling.

For context, my previous long-term partner (we were engaged) and I lost our virginities to each other. Our sex life was built on the foundation of curiosity and exploration. He was a giver — a true eater — and always made sure I was taken care of first. That relationship was about 70% foreplay, 30% skipping it and getting straight to the deed. When I told my current partner that, he was shocked and said his experience has been the opposite.

Fast forward: one day I got frustrated because it felt like my current partner only wants to get me “warmed up” enough to have sex — not actually connect or explore. It led to a big argument.

We’ve been together for over a year now, and eventually I asked if he even likes going down on women. He admitted that a few bad past experiences basically turned him off from it. I’ve been patient. And yes, I absolutely return the favor — I genuinely enjoy giving and find it intimate. My past relationship was two givers; this one feels like I’m with a selfish lover.

He says he wants to work on this because he knows it matters to me. But our sexual histories are very different. I have a praise kink; his past partners had degrading kinks. Sometimes he acts like he’s the prize, and it turns me off (I’ve been honest with him about this too).

When I brought this up, he told me, “I want to work on it because you deserve it.” And while that sounded sweet, it also hit me weird. It didn’t feel like desire — it felt like a chore. My ex genuinely loved going down on me, so hearing my current partner frame it like an obligation just didn’t sit right. And for clarity, he’s complimented my hygiene and PH plenty, so that’s not part of the issue (though he voiced for previous partners that was an issue).

Another huge issue: he hasn’t made me cum once. When he “tries,” it feels like a means to an end instead of something to experience together. Our sex feels individualized — like “you get yours, I get mine.” And because physical touch is one of my top love languages, this disconnect hits hard.

I love him. He’s attractive, emotionally safe, and someone I could build a life with. But sexually, something just hasn’t clicked, and I’m struggling to feel turned on or connected.

So I’m torn: Do I keep being patient after all these conversations, hoping it improves? Or do I accept we might just be sexually incompatible — and that maybe that’s not something I can live with long-term?

I’m trying. But I can’t keep relying on a vibrator to feel fulfilled. I miss feeling truly connected with a partner.

TL;DR: I love my partner and we’re compatible in every way except sex. He avoids giving oral, hasn’t made me cum in over a year, seems selfish in bed, and our sexual histories/kinks don’t align. I’ve communicated and been patient, but I’m struggling to feel connected or turned on. Do I keep trying or accept we’re sexually incompatible?