please read my thoughts (f29)

hey guys! i just really needed to write this out and have someone else actually read my words. i (f 29) was with my ex (m 30) for a year on the dot. he was pretty nasty almost the entire duration of our relationship. he replied to me nasty, he talked down to me, his tone was always mean as hell, and he never affirmed me. his abuse was subtle, but added up over time. he was an alcoholic, and his drinking would amplify his anger by 50%, and he would drink often. a lot of times, he’d challenge my experiences with him. if he would reply to me in a way that was very clearly rude, he would challenge that his treatment was mean or abrasive. over time, he’d have me question my own thoughts and my own experiences. he had never laid his hands on me but 1x, and he and i were both asleep and he hit me in his eye while asleep.

he claimed it was a nightmare. it freaked me out. after that incident, i left him, and that was very nasty. he squatted in my apartment and wouldn’t leave. so, my family helped me leave him. i let go of that apartment. i got another apartment, and i ended up moving him back in to this new apartment. he got sober for about two months, and during that time, he acted like he despised me. he did everything he could to avoid me. hour long baths, differing sleep schedules. an argument broke out, and i left due to not feeling as though i was wanted. i spent 3 months away from him (no contact) and then he contacted me on a dating site & emailed me. within his email, he apologized for the treatment and told me he was sober again and doing well. he stated that he was working, sober, had his own place and was doing much better mentally.

i emailed him back, and we started talking again. at first, he seemed great. there were some limitations in place. he was on probation in OH, and i lived in a neighboring state at the time (right on the border). we weren’t able to see one another a lot at first, because he actually didn’t have his own place. a lot of the beginning was just over the phone or text. i had suspicions that he was drinking based on the way he would randomly get angry, or his responses to things. he denied that he was drinking. finally, he started coming over to my house. he slowly started drinking in front of me. i told him many times how i was wildly uncomfortable with that, but he assured me that it was okay and nothing bad would happen.

one night of the week, he drank a lot of alcohol, and we got into an argument. he got very mean. ripped my cameras out of my walls, brought my mirror to me and told me to look at it and see what a piece of shit i was. throwing food everywhere, destroying my home by throwing clothes and food… it was bad. that night i took him back home. the next day he claimed he didn’t know what happened. i walked him through the night and he denied it all and said i was lying. i told him it wasn’t acceptable, and unlike his usual behavior, he actually apologized. he didn’t confirm that he did any of the things i walked him through, but he said he was sorry.

he spent the night about 2 weeks ago, and he started to drink again. i told him about 4x how i was uncomfortable with that, and then he told me that i was getting into the area of nagging him. i had started a new blood pressure pill and it made me super tired. around 10:45 i tried to go to sleep. we went up to the room, and he wouldn’t stop talking. i kept reiterating to him how i truly needed to sleep because i worked in the morning. he tried to have sex with me, and i told him no. he suddenly saw red. he got into my face and was about to spit in my face but stopped himself and asked me if i wanted him to spit in my face. i obviously told him no, and then he grabbed my forearm and bit me. it shocked me, and i was jus in a state of denial. i walked downstairs to try to deescalate the situation. he followed me down. i got up from the couch and he back handed me in the chest. i kept crying, and the entire time he mocked my crying an told me i was “acting like a fucking victim”. i called his grandma, and she didn’t answer. i told him i was going to call the cops and he said “do it bitch”, so i did. but then i hung up. they called back and i told them it was an accident. he got mad as hell and threw a remote at my 75in tv. it busted it. i called 911 and jus told them i wanted him to leave. he became enraged and then punched my tv. his knuckles started to bleed and then he purposely dripped blood all over my kitchen. he began rubbing it all over me. he then slung it all over my kitchen appliances and walls. he slung it all over my living room walls… it was a mess.

the cops arrived on scene and he was arrested on domestic battery and property damage. he left all of his things at my house. his grandma called my job saying she’d file theft charges on me for “taking” his things. i had a neutral third party deliver them, but i filed a dvpo first and was granted an emergency dvpo.

my hearing is 11/19. i am so nervous. he was released on bond by his grandma, obviously. but then OH realized he violated probation, so he was arrested on a probation violation and has court on 11/21 for that. he’s currently incarcerated.

i am terrified, sad, anxious… i feel immense guilt… i feel scared.. and i feel numb. i ask myself… was this abuse? was the abuse enough to be taken seriously? i get flash backs of the night… how angry he was.. the smell of the blood… i am terrified he is going to try to kill me when he gets out. my arm bruised where he bit me, and i now no longer have a wonderful, big tv. i do have his cat. it’s all been a lot to handle, and i feel all of these very strong emotions. i just feel so bleak.

it’s a confusing spot to be in. i just want to talk to people who understand me. i feel it’s all in my head, but i know it’s not. the abused mind is sad.