My personal Hijab Journey 🌸going to start wearing hijab now (long post)

(I just need to go hijab shopping first 😬).

I embraced Islam almost a year ago now, and my soul yearns to evolve in my faith. I’ve been holding myself back tho.

There are barely any mixed Black convert girls in the West, let alone devout ones. There’s actually insane validation, opportunity, and cultural freedom out there for you when you’re seen as pretty at this age.

….these very privileges keep a lot of mixed Black girls from Islam, bc Islam pushes back on those privileges and lifestyles. Most mixed Black girls come from households that aren’t culturally Islamic-adjacent.

I almost went into modelling, as two huge legitimate agencies in the Netherlands and Germany scouted me, and I kinda needed the money.

But who wants to be another cog in an ultimately immoral construct in any capacity?

I’m the prettiest I can make myself at least..that’s my job done 🤷‍♀️ The rest of it is down to how I carry myself.

I always wore modest clothes even before embracing Islam. I never wanted men looking at any curves or skin. I’ve never let a man hug me in my life… other than gay guys 😭

The main reason I struggled with hijab is because of my racial identity..I used to straighten my hair when I was young bc I grew up only around white people, but I took a soulful journey embracing my natural hair and identity. I love my hair and wanted everyone to see it. With some of my facial features being relatively more on the European side, one of the biggest giveaways of me being mixed Black… is my hair. ….But now my relationship with my hair is evolving and reaching its highest purpose.

While people hate religiosity, I admire those niqabis whose outer modesty reflects their character. I have very few Muslim friends…all niqabis. I wanna better myself with good company. They could easily show their beautiful faces, but they’re fully locked-in. I’m very goal-oriented. I have the same highest goal of attaining God’s love. At least I can wear hijab right…?

So many Muslims today are very nouveau riche, haughty, and distasteful - often bc they’re POC from poorer backgrounds without generations of wealth to acclimatise them. Some of that trickles down into loudly wanting to show what we have in abundance… including beauty (and sadly we see a lot of hijabis doing it on insta, some taking it too far by wearing obviously tight clothes blurring the lines between normal hijabis and some non-Muslim women who want to make money by playing into the fetishisation of Muslim women).

As for men… Validation from men never did it for me. They are attracted to anyone and anything, living or inanimate 😭😭 Their validation feels cheap, and there’s this element of “they find you attractive now, but God forbid if something happens to you, the attention they’re giving you isn’t the type that sticks around” thus, their attraction is futile and unworthy. I’m never putting myself in a position to allow a man to take something from me.

The only type of man who I’d be interested in, when I’m ready, are those who lower their gaze, are devout and intentional/would get in contact with the fam.

The only people who won’t see my hair and see me in cute fits etc are…..random men I won’t have to deal with that weighty feeling of extra unwanted male attention.

Wearing hijab is a subtle flex bc, in an almost conceited way, my value belongs to something greater (God), and I’m loud & proud about setting up a sense of exclusivity around myself.

I’ll still wear cute dresses and take cute pics and videos with the girls to have memories forever.

Influence… Being without hijab and thriving can make other hijabis’ journeys harder if they’re struggling. That’s kinda sad.

Also, hijab will give me a new standard for how I conduct myself and help me improve in other areas. I’m gonna start by avoiding songs with even the slightest bit of lewd lyrics bc even if it’s funny, I don’t want that normalised in my mind…same with certain trashy TV shows I’m obsessed with.

So yeahh that’s where my mind is and I couldn’t be happier 💕